Expert: Amarnath.B - 9/9/2006

Question
Dear Amarnath,

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost 10 years. I have two boys 14 and 12 from a previous marriage. My boyfriend drinks every night. He says he needs it to sleep. I am in Alanon for myself but I had to leave the group I was with as it was not meeting my needs. The story is so long I have no clue where to start. Bottom line is I know I can no longer be with him if he drinks. I have lived with alcoholics my whole life and no longer can do it.Unfortunately financially the apartment we share is where i need to stay as I have lived here 13 years and my rent is lower. I have searched for apartments and now a days i can't find one under 1000 a month and that is as high as I can go and still keep the basics of living healthy with my kids. I feel stuck as i know he won't leave and I have no clue how o get him out of here. I am scared of the change also but I know it is something I have to do. He is someone ho will not go to AA and without something he will never change. He really needs to be in therapy as he grew up extremely disfunctional.
My question is I am starting to have bad anxiety and panic because i am feeling truely trapped and am wondering if there is a way of getting him out based on love not hate?

Christine

Answer
Dear Christine,

There are times when one has to be selfish.  It is now the time to tell him to either quit drinking and go to AA or you will really have to say goodbye.

I still think you being codependent you still need Alanon.  Now leave him or you will get destroyed along with him.

God bless

Amarnath