Expert: Rebos - 12/10/2006

Question
I've read many of your responses to other questions and I guess I'm seeking some validation.  Three days ago I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. During the time we've been together he has broken up with me (then begged for me back) 4 times. All were related to alcohol. Once while he'd been drinking, and three times when he'd sobered up the next morning. He's still an asshole the next day - many times when he drank he became argumentative and unreasonable. So I would leave (we did not live together), and find all of my belongings either in my driveway, or the last time they were near the shipping/receiving dock at work. I was so embarrassed when one of the warehouse guys informed me my stuff was out there.
That was over six months ago. He promised to only drink beer or wine, and only 1-2 drinks back then. In August we were out to dinner and he was going to order a pina colada. I reminded him of his promise, and he got very quiet and didn't order it. Then later that night he asked me if he could please have some special hard liquor that he'd been saving with his friend who was visiting from Europe. Like I'm his mom or something. I said yes, though of course it wasn't ok with me. As he drank his personality changed into the asshole I did not fall in love with.

Three weeks ago I stayed with him for a week recuperating from surgery. He came home two nights drunk (after the bars had closed).  I gave it a few days, wrote him a 4 page letter detailing how his behavior was hurting me. He promised to never drink except when he and I were together, and then only wine or a really good beer. I believed him.  I so want to believe him when he makes these promises!  He even wrote down his promise. He said he was ashamed, that he had screwed up. But that he is not an alcoholic. Just that he can't stop after 1-2 beers when he's out with his friends.

So a week later we were talking about an upcoming trip to Europe. I shared with him a bad dream I'd had, that he was drinking liquor while we were in Europe. He laughed, said sure, it'd never been a problem before (in Europe), he planned to have a drink on occasion. I was shocked - he had just promised a week earlier that he would not drink liquor again, and now he was telling me he planned to while on vacation in Europe. He's a smart guy - I don't understand how he can be so stupid as to think he's going to be different while in a different country?  And how him breaking his promise is ok while on vacation? Like it doesn't count while in a different country?  How does that make sense?

The next day I went to a counselor my friend recommended who knows a lot about addiction and alcoholism. She laid it out - he's an alcoholic, I needed to admit that, he didn't intend to lie but he would and he'd do it again and again.  So I broke up with him the next day. And wouldn't you know - I went to his house with his stuff, put all my stuff in my car and waited for him to come home. When he did, he knew why I was there (he'd seen my car full of my stuff). And he'd been drinking!  That really clinched it for me. I told him I could not stay with him. He was in no shape to discuss it - when he's drunk he is very quiet and/or argumentative. I told him I noticed he'd been drinking, and he denied it. He smelled like a brewery! I know that smell. So I left, feeling like I'd done the right thing.

Now he wants me back. He's promising to quit drinking. His brother quit recently, though he too did not admit to being an alcoholic.

He seems so sincere!  He professes his love for me, that I'm the single most important thing to him, and I believe him!  And I so desperately want to believe he'll really quit. I feel like a horrible person, because I told him no, to stop contacting me (he was emailing me), that I wasn't bluffing to get him to change.

I don't want to end up like my friends whose husbands drank for years and who have kids. I'm also scared because I've had boyfriend after boyfriend and been divorced since my early 20's. I'm nearly 40 now. I'm wondering if I'm just too picky in selecting a mate. I don't have any kids, but won't miss that.

Help - am I doing the right thing?  He's a really great guy when he's sober.

Answer
Good morning Cheryl, and thank you for your question.

You can be absolutely certain as the sun will rise tomorrow that if you don’t end your relationship with this boyfriend (totally and completely) you are setting yourself up for a future of misery and heartache. With or without kids. No, you are not being too picky. You have every right to a sane relationship, and no relationship with an alcoholic will ever be sane or normal. It’s tough enough under the best of circumstances to hold relationships together, but add alcohol addiction into the mix and you have a disaster just waiting to happen. If you have that low self esteem of yourself that you are willing to sacrifice your whole life to a very sick guy, then so be it! Don’t you realize that he will and has been lying to you from the get go, and knows darn well that he has you right where he wants you. He loves his booze more than he loves you! All alcoholics lie about their dinking, that’s how they protect their right to continue drinking. You can write all the letters to him that you want to, but if you don’t follow thru with your threats then you are just buying him his next drink by not holding him responsible for his unacceptable behavior. There is an old saying when it comes to alcoholics…you can take a jackass from Boston to New York and when you get him there he’s still a jackass. Its known as a geographic cure when a drunk moves to a new location and thinks things will be different…they never are! Alcoholism left untreated never gets better on its own…IT ALWAYS GETS WORSE! As for his brother stopping drinking he may not have been an alcoholic, even though he might have been a heavy drinker.

If you have read some of my previous answers then you know that an alcoholic has got to hit his bottom before he does anything about getting help. It’s apparent to me (as it should be to you) that he has not yet hit his bottom in spite of the fact that you have threatened to leave him, and unfortunately haven’t! Don’t let him con you into agreeing that he can have one or two drinks and that’s that, because it makes no difference how much he drinks, what he drinks, who he drinks it with, or where he drinks…what does count is WHAT DOES IT DO TO HIM WHEN HE DRINKS IT? That answer is obvious. He sounds like he can be a dangerous person when he drinks. Please be careful for your own safety.

Did you really have to go to him when you were recuperating? Wasn’t there any one else that you could rely upon? It seems as though you set yourself up for failure. If he says that he will stop (on his own) don’t believe him! Unless he joins Alcoholics Anonymous and gets active, goes to meetings every night, joins a group, gets a sponsor and starts working on changing himself. If he doesn’t don’t believe him!

I hope that I have helped you by my answer. If I can be of further help please send me a follow-up message. Thank you, Rebos