Expert: Rebos - 8/11/2007

Question
Hi:  I will try to be brief because I just read some of your responses to similar questions, and I learned a lot from them; however, I have just a little bit different situation that I would like to ask your advice on.  I have a girlfriend, whom I've been on again/off again friends with for 28 years.  She was my maid of honor, I was in her wedding.  We were very close.  She is an alcoholic.  She has been very heavily drinking (black outs, falling down, total mess) for about 10 years or more.  In this time, she has repeatedly put me down from various things from my appearance, my choices in life, my kids, etc. These are snide comments, usually at every chance she gets.  When confronted she says "alcohol does terrible and strange things to my personality and character."  Yes it does! I try to forgive, but whenever I flash back to these comments, even though time has passed, I get incredibly angry and resentful. At times, I've completely cut her out of my life and at other times, I try not to throw the whole relationship away, but I end up again becoming angry about having been treated this way.  I have concluded that she is not a friend if she is able to speak this way to me, and I have decided to cease contact.  My question, is she exhibiting classic alcoholic behavior towards me?  It seems she attacking my life for being "normal" in attempt to feel better about herself.  It's hurtful behavior that I can't live with, but I am still hurt that someone that was important in my life can say these things to me.  She has gotten a free pass b/c of her problem most times, but must a person allow this to happen b/c another has a disease?  Thank you for reading.  I am just at a point that I miss my old friend, but I don't want what she's become in my life.

Answer
Good morning Shar and thank you for your question.

I’m sorry to say that you have been an enabler all these years by allowing your “friend” to control your life by always coming back for more, and not making her pay (your friendship) the price for her irresponsible behavior. You’ve had what is known as “resentment” towards your friend (all these years… and still do) because you are still allowing her to control your life even though you may decide to permanently break off your relationship with her. The word resentment comes from the Latin word “to re-live” and unless you get rid of that resentment once and for all she will, at times, “own you” for the rest of your life.

I don’t know what your belief is… but the only way that I know of to rid myself of a  resentment, such as you have, is to pray for your friend’s well-being and stop thinking about how badly she is affecting you! Yes, you read it right, pray for her recovery and count your blessings. I guarnatee you that it will work for you if you keep at it and mean it.

If I can be of further service to you please feel free to write me again. Thank you Rebos.