Expert: Rebos - 12/12/2006

Question
Dear Rebos,

I¡¦ve been involved in an on-and-off relationship with my alcoholic girlfriend for about a year and a half now.  It took her a while, but she¡¦s finally starting to admit she needs help.  Over the summer we broke up because she ¡§needed her space.¡¨  Right before Labor Day, I guess, her new found boyfriend had kicked her to the curb because he didn¡¦t like the fact that she was drinking and being anti social.  So of course, she¡¦s hurt and asks me to get back with her.  She¡¦s one of those charming, seductive types and said she was seeing things so clearly now and realized that she needs help and realized how much she really loved me, etc.  She said she wanted to marry me.

Well the first month and a half were beautiful.  We were getting to know each other again and she was really cutting down on the drinking.  Then around the middle of October, she went to her first AA meeting.  She said it helped her realize that she was not alone with this disease and felt encouraged.  

However, now, she was only drinking on Friday nights at home, but has heavy as ever and wanted me to stay home with her all weekend.  But I could feel her pulling away emotionally.

About after a big drinking binge and a big fight we had, she said that she had enough of drinking and was going to stop drinking completely ¡V on her own.  Two weeks into her being dry she decided that now that she is sober, she needs her space again.  She said that she is ¡§no longer in love [with me]¡¨ and ¡§cannot give me what [I] want.¡¨  Two weeks had gone by and I hadn¡¦t herd from her, except for a couple of late night anonymous hang-up phone calls.  

So out of the blue she calls me last Friday completely drunk.  She said she needed to see me and asked me to drive down to the city to pick her up from a Bar.  I told here to stay put, but she somehow found money and jumped in a cab and asked me to meet her in front of her apartment building.  I had been waiting there quite some time and she called me crying because she was lost and cold and couldn¡¦t find her way home - then her phone goes dead.

About a half hour later I get a call from a strange lady on my cell phone telling me she had found my girlfriend crying on the street and asked if I could come pick her up a few blocks away.

Apparently the all of the apartments in her complex looked alike and she had lost her way home.  During the mists getting lost, she had fallen down on the sidewalk, cut her elbow and wrist, and had two bumps to the top and side of her head.  Not to mention, she had urinated all over herself.

So while I¡¦m helping her to get undressed, I see a hicky on one of her breast, but didn¡¦t say anything about it.  After all, we were not together so ¡¥it was not like she was ¡¥cheating on me.¡¦ ƒ¼

Well, the next day, I had confronted her about her drinking the night before.  She said it was because she had not had two mixed drinks and had not had a drink in over a month.  Her motive was because she was upset and she missed me.  When I confronted her about the hicky, she said she got into a fight with her abusive ex husband but later admitted to having a one night stand with someone ¡V like that makes it any better ¡V but she said it was over.

She swore up and down she knew it was a mistake and wanted to get back together again.  While I did miss her too, I was also too worried to leave her alone in this condition.  And of course, I worried that she¡¦d end up fooling around again.

Now I know I was not supposed to do this, but I checked her phone log and noticed she had been keeping in touch with someone from out of state.  One of the text messages she sent said ¡§XOXO Miss You.¡¨

I could not help but confront her about it, but she said it was just a friend that she just met recently.  I replied that friends, don¡¦t call at 5 in the morning, unless they¡¦re checking to see if you made it home safely.  And people don¡¦t say they miss each other after only knowing each other of less than a couple of weeks.  

I also found out she¡¦s behind two months on her rent and hadn¡¦t paid December¡¦s rent yet.

Needless to say I overstepped my boundaries by snooping and she asked me to leave for good!

This type of thing has happened in the past where she needs space and then calls me when she misses me and promises to change.

When she has asked me to come back in the past, I forgave her, and I know out of the weakness of my heart or the weakness of my character, I probably would forgive her again if she called.  

My questions are these:  Can I trust that she could ever be sober?  Is it enabling for her sister to be taking care of her son all weekend, while she¡¦s trying to get ¡§better?¡¨  If she¡¦s coming home blacked-out, bloody and bruised up, is she near bottom?  If she loves me so much, then why does she want me back, then pushes me away again and is keeping in touch (or fooling around) with other men behind my back?  How can I set boundaries with her drinking and cheating and let her know that her behavior is not acceptable?  How do I get her respect?  Most of all, how do I get my self respect back?

-Cheated  

Answer
Good afternoon Cheated, and thank you for your question. I will answer your questions in the order that you asked them.

With the experiences that you had with your cheating girlfriend you may never be able to trust her 100%. 1. Until your cheater hits her bottom from drinking alcohol she is destined to continue to lie, cheat and steal (your emotions and well being) from you. She may get sober but that doesn’t mean that she will be a different unless she does a lot of work on herself. She certainly will not stay sober unless she gets help from Alcoholics Anonymous, or some other proven organization. 2. No, her sister may be bordering on being an enabler, but she is doing your cheating drunk’s son a favor by getting the child out of an environment that could be very dangerous and uncertain for a weekend. Talk about being an enabler YOU ARE THE ENABLER by continuing to put up with her unacceptable behavior. So don’t go looking to lay blame on her sister for what you have been doing all along! You need the help of a good counselor or Al-Anon. 3. No, the cheater may not even be close to hitting her bottom. A bottom can be as low as a human being can go into disaster…plus six feet! 4. You may want to believe that “she loves you so much”, but she loves her booze much, much more than she loves you, or she would get help for her problem. 5. The sooner that you realize that booze runs her life the better off you will be. You cannot set boundaries for her drinking nor can you stop her from cheating on you until she decides to. 6. The best way for her to know how you feel about her unacceptable behavior…IS TO TELL HER! BUT, never make any threat to her that you are not willing to follow through with. 7. One of the ways that you can get your self respect back is to go to Al-Anon meetings, and learn what you are really faced with rather than what you would like it to be.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you are dealing with the rest of your life and if you think that it can’t get worse…just wait and see if you dare to. I don’t know your circumstances, but get rid of her and find someone who can love you more than booze. Thank you, Rebos