Expert: Rebos - 7/14/2006

Question
My A/H left the kids and I back in July 4, 2005, moved in with a female alcoholic that he was having an affair with.  He immediately filed for divorce using her atty.  Her it is 1 year later and he has left her 4 times now but has never even called the kids and I.  He's been drinking for over 30 years.  What is going on in his mind and in his heart?  He won't even pick up his cell phone when I call.  Which hasn't been since the end of May 2006.  His kids and I are soooo hurt that he could leave us this way.  He has left the family every 2 years since we were married in 1984.  But to my knowledge has never picked up any women that I know of, and has always come home on his own.  Help us please..I can't seem to move on.  I have been ordered into a court ordered mediation on the 26th of this month and need to know what to day or do in this.  He left the OW over the 4th of July weekend but has not called me or anything and I'm worried about him.  His family is ashamed of him and won't talk about it or him.  

Answer
Good morning Janitw:

Thank you for your question. For now I would get yourself a top notch attorney, and make sure that you have the best representation possible at the mediation session! What ever you don’t go there alone! Make sure that you have legal representation.

To get on with your life I would suggest…That YOU start to attend Alanon meetings. If you go to Alanon you will find that your problem is not quite as unique as you may think. Others have experienced the same problems with their husbands and wives. At Alanon you would learn how to live with having an alcoholic in your life, and learn the truth about the disease of alcoholism. Alanon is intended to help YOU and not the Alcoholic directly. In order for you to get on with your life give Alanon a try. At Alanon you would meet people who have an alcoholic in their lives too, and that their own lives had become unmanageable as a result of it. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone who comes into contact with an alcoholic. Alcoholics are not bad people, they are sick people who need help, but they must be held responsible for their actions! You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking or the upcoming divorce, but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your and your children’s lives by having an alcoholic in it. Until you are armed with the right kind of information, knowledge and implications of the disease, you will never get on with your life. You have been enabling him since the time you got married and that is where the problem started. Not that his actions were your fault, but you did not make him pay the price at the time that his infidelities and alcoholic drinking occurred.  Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. If you do not have Alanon's local number call the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

I hope that I have helped you in some way. Thank you Rebos.