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Addiction to Alcohol/Commiting to marriage when in AA
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Question
Will you marry me????
A Question from my Girl friend. How do I respond? I am trying to reach my sponsor. Anyway, my girl friend is at work so I have some time before I will be confronted.
I love her, I had 26 months, relapsed, I am back in the program only 36 days...how do I respond? How does the one year rule work here? My heart tells me I restart the 1 yr. clock over, that no 'new' relationships or commitments outside of AA in the first year. What about the commitment of marriage when you fell in love after 14 months of sobriety in AA???
Greetings to you, Kevin.
You have asked:
>> I love her, I had 26 months, relapsed, I am back in the program only 36 days...how do I respond?
First, the passing of time is not the issue here. In other words, obeying or disobeying the so-called “one year rule” does not guarantee anything.
If I was single and a woman asked me to marry her, I would first consider the matter of whether I wanted her as my wife. If I wanted her as my wife, I would then tell her so and let her know whether or not I was presently prepared to ask her to actually be my wife ... and if I did not want her as my wife, I would simply say “No” and stop talking altogether.
Part of what I am saying here is that her asking you is not how things should be done, but there is no need for you to go say that to her. Rather, the challenge before us all is to learn to simply do right things in right ways and leave the outcomes to the Sovereign Creator of us all ... and that is something that can come about through taking the Steps straight from “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book.
You have written:
>> I had 26 months, relapsed, I am back in the program only 36 days...
If you would like to know about permanent recovery, just ask.
You have asked:
>> What about the commitment of marriage when you fell in love after 14 months of sobriety in AA???
Falling is falling, even if “in love”, and regardless of length of sobriety. The commitment of marriage should only be made while a man is firmly standing on the solid ground of the path that truly goes somewhere.
If you are at all suspicious that today’s AA will ultimately not really show you how to get where you want to be, I would gladly help you try to gain the experience of the original.
Peace to you,
Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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