Expert: Rebos - 11/1/2007

Question
Hello, I am so glad that I found you.  I have recently been having some problems with my girlfriend.  I have been with her for about 2.5 years now.   I am 27 and she is 25. We have both been heavy drinkers on the weekends.  I guess it was just a product of our college life (Binge Drinking) that leaked through.  All of our friends drink, we call ourselves "party animals" you know what I mean.  However, I have always noticed that the alcohol effects her in a different way.  In the 2.5 years we've dated I've seen her get so drunk she can't walk many many times.  She has even wet the bed 5 or 6 times.  Once, she went out with one of her old friends from college and when she came home she went to the bathroom.  She was in there awhile so I went in and found that she had threw up in the toilet and was laying on the bathroom floor with all her clothes still on properly but she had wet herself.  This has only happened once.  Other times she will get drunk and say that we don't love each other and sometimes she can get physical.  Also, she says crazy stuff when she drinks.  Early last month she came home on a Thursday night drunk and was acting obnoxious.  I told her Friday morning that I was mad and didn't want to see her until Sunday.  On Sunday I thought the situation was evident enough that we did not need to talk in depth about it.  I just said, "I don't think that I need to tell you to be careful with your drinking do I?"  and she replied that it was stupid and that she knows she needs to be more careful and that she would.  So, the next Friday I take her to dinner and she only has a couple drinks but it effects her greatly (I think she had gone to happy hour with her friends before we went to dinner).  She once again became obnoxious.  The next day I came very very close to breaking up with her.  She said that she was sorry and that she felt so embarrassed and she understood if I wanted to break up with her but that she hoped I would give her another chance.  I did.   Later on the next week we got in a small argument (no alcohol involved) and shortly thereafter I told her that I wanted to "go on a break".  That was on a friday.  By the next thursday she called and asked me to make a decision as to whether or not we would stay together.  I went to her house and told her i wanted to end the relationship.  I based this on the fact that I do not want to live with the risk that she will become a full-blown alcoholic.  But, she had not drank heavily since they morning first morning I threatened to break up with her.  Also, she has gone to therapy, something she had been doing before because her mother died when she was three and her father is a, you guessed, major alcoholic.  So, I told her we would try one more time.   At this point, I am fully convinced that if she has another drinking episode that I will completely break it off.  I do not want to be an enabler.  I will break it off if it happens again.   However, I'm just afraid that it might not happen for a long time and I'll have to break it off after we've been together for 5+ years.  What do you think of all this.  Should I just get out now?  Part of me thinks, "why should I live my life with the risk that she could become a helpless alcoholic"  but the other part of me sees her good side and sees that she is a good person and might be able to handle all of this.   I'm just scared to stay with her I guess.  But if i leave her she is going to be so very upset.  I will be abandoning her just like her father and mother and I might be the cause of her falling deep into depression and alcoholism so deep that she cannot get out of.  what do i do?

by the way, her therapist doesn't think she is an alcoholic, her therapist thinks she is a binge drinker. isn't that the same thing?

Answer
Good morning Jarred and thank you for your question.

First off; Never, never make any threats to your girlfriend that you are not 100% willing to follow thru with. By you getting back together with her after you broke up, due to her drinking, you actually gave her permission to continue drinking! Secondly, did YOU actually hear her therapist tell her that she wasn't an alcoholic? Alcoholics “do lie” to protect their right to continue drinking. Your girlfriend will not be successful in any area of her life if she doesn't find out the reason as to why she drinks alcoholically. Her drinking is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that she has. My definition of an alcoholic is “that if drinking alcohol causes problems then it is a problem”! My experience is that it makes no difference how much a person drinks, where they drink it, who they drink it with or what they drink... the test is... what does it do to them when they drink it? If your girlfriend is a binge drinker... it's like saying that “a rose by any other name... (is not)...a rose”. Or to get more down to earth “if it quacks like a duck walks like a duck and looks like a duck”... IT'S NOT A DUCK! It's insane to believe that, isn't it?

It seems to me that you have a few options; If your girlfriend does not get some serious help at a detoxification clinic (including the counseling there) then go into Alcoholics Anonymous and stay sober “one day at a time” and you stay with her, then you are (if you marry her) looking at a lifetime full of misery and unhappiness. Also, God help any children that you may have together! AA recommends that any new person to the program SHOULD NOT GET INVOLVED IN ANY SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS FOR AT LEAST ONE YEAR AFTER THEY START WORKING ON THEIR PROGRAM OF RECOVERY! During this time if you intend to stay with this woman then you should be going to Alanon meetings, or if you think that you are having a drinking problem then you should also attend AA meetings... preferably not the same meetings of AA that she goes to. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

I would be pleased to know what you decided to do, and if I can be of any further help to you please feel free to send me a follow-up. Thank you Rebos