Expert: Rebos - 11/2/2005

Question
Thank you Rebos - I do believe I am ready to face up to the truth however I know it will be an extremely difficult thing to do.  I stopped smoking Dec 31, 2004 and am still chewing nicotine gum!  Unfortunately I am not quite as young as I may sound.  I'm a 47 y/o happily married woman with 2 children (14 and 21) and a wonderful husband.  My husband does not drink (once in a blue moon) and doesn't quite understand what I may be about to face.  I'm not your typical .....I feel stupid even saying what I was about to say.... what is a typical alcoholic? Sad thing is maybe I am your typical alcoholic - seemingly fine on the outside, holds down a good job, etc., but can't stop drinking once she starts.  

You mentioned black-outs.  Yes, I have had a hand-full over the past 30+ years.  It's a horrible feeling.

Are all AA meetings pretty much the same universally?  Would it still be helpful for me to go but keep it to myself (I mean from everyone)?  I'm definately not ready to "come out of the closet" so to speak - can I just go and listen and not participate?  I don't want to be put on the spot if I can help it.

Thanks for listening.  You are doing a great service for people.  

Answer
Good afternoon Cathy:

Thank you for your follow-up email. I can now get more specific with you, and I hope that I will not take too many liberties in telling you the truth about alcoholism. So here goes…

First, you are what I would call a young person even at 47 years old…You described yourself as happily married with two children…Please believe me when I tell you that you won't be a happily married person for long, and your children will end up not liking you very much if you continue on what I guarantee is a road to your personal and your family's destruction. Alcoholism, like any other addiction is a disease of “denial”. It tricks you into accepting that you have no disease when you actually do. And speaking of diseases the American Medical Association defines alcoholism as a disease. It is not a MORAL issue, it is a disease! If by chance you got cancer or some other deadly disease would you be as reluctant to talk about it to your family and close friends, (I don't mean broadcast it to the world or even tell your employer). I am sure that you would go to the ends of the earth to find the help that would save your life. That is the denial that I am referring to. When it comes to making guarantees…this I am 100% sure of: If you are an alcoholic those that are close to you already know that you are having a problem with alcohol, or at least know that there is something strangely wrong with you. Also, your children are probably not getting the attention that a 100% mother would give them. Active alcoholics are too self-centered in the extreme to care for anyone more than protecting their right to drink. If none of the so-called bad things have not happened to…they are just YETS…because they will happen to you eventually if you continue to drink and not take an active part in your recovery. Remember that there is no shame in being an alcoholic…the shame is in doing nothing about it!

What is a typical alcoholic, you ask… well… most of them are not the ones that you may have in your mind as a stereotype…the unshaven dirty drunk that may not have washed for a week or so…pan handing for their next drink…or maybe wearing one sneaker and one shoe with a brown paper bag sticking out of their pocket. Don't think for one moment that those poor souls were born on the street in the condition that you now see them. They once had families that loved them, good jobs, a home, cars, and the respect of their peers. But, booze took them to a place that they would have never dreamed of. No, most alcoholics are usually better educated than non-alcoholics, most are working drunks with responsible jobs, usually earning more than the average worker. The time usually comes, (if an alcoholic does nothing about their drinking problem) that they end up in one of three places a mental institution, a penal institution (driving drunk and having an accident that kills someone, or driving in a blackout with their kids in the car and injuring them) or an early grave. You know it's tough enough when a man is an active alcoholic, facing all of the dangers that most men drunks face. But, when a woman is an active alcoholic there is that added danger of being preyed upon by just about everyone that they may have contact with.

Concerning AA meetings: Alcoholics Anonymous is just that…ANONYMOUS. There are OPEN AA meetings that are open to the public and there are CLOSED AA meetings that ONLY ALCOHOLICS can attend. If you call your local AA Office they will tell you where the meetings are. If you wish go to a closed meeting in another town from where you live. You may find that your next door neighbor is doing the same thing. Believe me, if you give AA a chance and go there with an open mind, I will make you another 100% guarantee. You will get better. It's not as tough as you may think. As far as you stopping smoking, so what if you are still chewing the gum. At least you are trying and haven't given up. That says a lot for your fortitude. No, AA will not put you on the spot. They never have and never will. I would suggest that you go to a closed meeting, put out your hand and introduce yourself as a newcomer who thinks they are having a problem with alcohol. Use only your last name they will never ask you what that may be. It is an anonymous program that you will respect their anonymity as they will respect your. You can even make up a fake first name if that makes you feel more comfortable. If you will feel any better about it you can ask the AA Office if some woman member of AA would pick you up and take you to the closed meeting. They will be pleased to do that for you. Or, if you want to go to an open meeting with your husband, that's OK too.

Maybe after a while, your husband will want to go to Alanon and learn something about the ins and outs of Alcoholism. Alanon is for the family, friends and or your 21 year old son. Your teenager may choose to go to Alateen. They all, undoubtedly, will have lots of questions about this killer disease and how drinking may be affecting their lives.

I hope that you make the right choice. You are a crossroad that can change your life for the better or for the worse. I would appreciate knowing what you decided to do. You can always contact me again. Remember that there is no good fairy that will tap you on the shoulder and make you all better. It's up to you. Thank you Rebos