AboutJan Edward Williams Expertise all questions related to drug or alcohol addiction, except those requiring the expertise of a physician or those relating to mental health problems apart from addiction. See my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com
Experience I have been working as a licensed addictions counselor for 29 years and am in recovery myself for 31 years
Organizations Licensed Clinical Professional Counselors Maryland
Maryland Addictions Professional Certification Board
Education/Credentials MS Counseling
Licensed Clinical Alcohol and Drug Counselor, Maryland
Expert: Jan Edward Williams Date: 11/28/2007 Subject: Evict 17 yr. live-in alcoholic bf
Question I've been living a roller coaster ride of happiness to misery for the last 17 years. I have become the ultimate enabler. I know I am responsible for my actions - and non-action. I don't want to live this way any more. DJB lives in my house. I provide all food, housing, clothing, tobacco, and he steals money from me and from my business for his alcohol. He is unemployed.
I was a teacher for 28 years with an adequate income. I quit teaching 5 years ago to own my own business. I also fired my apartment management company at that time in order for DJB to become my apartment manager. We had already been together 10 years and he had 4 years of sobriety at that time. I had already paid for his rehab in at least 5 rehab facilities. I thought it was sticking. He started drinking again when I was out of state getting training for my new franchise business.
I read allot of the FAQ on this website and realize I have become his hostage. I don't think I would have hesitated to move out 17 years ago if I had moved in with him. But he moved in with me into the house where I grew up. With neighbors I've known for decades (since 1954). I've actually gotten over the embarrassment of calling the police when he has become physically violent. I stopped bailing him out of jail years ago - the relief of knowing he was in jail, safe and sober was worth allot.
But I can't seem to make myself stop feeling responsible for him being homeless if I kick him out. Naturally, he refuses to leave and I have a history of giving him ultimatums that I eventually cave on because he is either so scary or pitiful that I let him stay - or back in.
I know the steps to evict him. 1. Ask him to leave. 2. put his belongings outside. 3. Call police if he refuses to leave, to be arrested for trepass. 4. Call police if he returns to my house or breaks in.
We do NOT have a common law marriage, (I have checked with a lawyer) but I know the police have a problem with charging him with trespass since he has lived here so long. If I put his belongings on the porch they will get picked up by the trash department - or stay on the porch until they rot because he won't take them with him - he doesn't have anyplace to take them to. He may just pawn my/his tools. I paid for all of this stuff. It drives me nuts to think it will end up in the landfill.
I just read my excuses and I can't believe they seem to be so important to me.
I'm having panic attacks thinking about the future and finding him dead, my house burned down, or that he's killed someone driving drunk. I'm 54 years old and I can't seem to find the courage to follow through to be able to go on with my life. I'm not afraid to live alone. I actually prefer it. C
Do have any other suggestions on how to get him out of my life? Can you tell me how to get the courage to just do it. Al-anon seems to have helped to be able to live with him not to get rid of him.
Please, help.
Answer Hello Pam,
You have beautifully detailed your situation, your role in it, and what you need to do. Your basic question is: How do I get the courage to let go of DJB, recognizing that one of the results may be that I will hear that he has died? First of all, and I am sure you know this, if you get him out of your life, and he continues to drink and dies, that result is not your fault but IS the result of his alcoholism. Again as I'm sure you know, providing him with the pain and consequences of your no longer being his chief enabler, will not only be healthy for you but may help him to reach another bottom and get help FOR HIMSELF, not for you or anyone else.
The answer I have to your question of how to get the courage to do what needs to be done must be a spiritual one. You say you have attended Al-Anon; I know that Al-Anon members do not give advice such as kicking the alcoholic out, but there you can find spiritual support when you make such a decision and act on it. I do not know where you are with the spiritual aspects of Al-Anon, but I have found that spiritual strength is needed to do the tough action you are contemplating. It may take some time praying for the strength to act, before you are ready to get this man out of your life (if that is indeed your choice). So, good luck; try the spiritual angle. Check my web site: http://www.alcoholdrugsos.com (just copy and paste the address into your browser).
Jan Williams
