Expert: Clyde - 10/16/2007

Question
Dear Clyde,
You are my last hope. I have tried everything and read everything that I can on alcoholic..etc. Here is my situation, I was with an alcoholic for 4 years. He finally went to recovery and 5 days into recovery he called to tell me that he did not love  me and that he could no longer continue a relationship with me. That was 6 months ago. He graduated from a 28 day program and called me to tell me that he wanted to be friends and we hung out a few times. I then realized that this man really did not love me and that I could not be friends with him. All these months have gone by, I've stopped blaming myself and have gone to many support groups and have seen many therapists. Over this past weekend I felt anger toward him and text his cell phone how much I hated him. He was very abusive and treated me very badly. He finally texted me back saying that I have not changed and that his life is way better now. (keep in mind that the 4 years we were together he did not work or pay rent, I did) he now has a job and pays rent in a rehab home. He called me yesterday and we chatted. He felt the need to tell me once again that he didn't care what I was doing and sounded very irrigated with me when he was the one that called me. My question to you is this:

Why after all these months have gone by and I have been trying to heal my broken heart has he decided to randomly call me to tell me that he doesn't care that I am still friends with people he knows and that his life is so much better. oh yea, and that I'm still the same person he left??

Please help me. This man is abusive still is and I my gutt feeling is telling me he is drinking again. He broke it off with me because he learned that I was his enabler and he didn't need to use me for a place to live anymore. I truly love this man and would love to be back with him, but since his first week in recovery he turned his back on me and has showed no interest of getting back together. I know this is a long complicated question, I know I should leave it alone, but I'm still detaching from this man. Please give me some inside or advice.

Thank You
Lena

Answer
Lena,
  Thank you for your questions and thank you for filling me in on some of the details of your situation.
   First off, if someone calls 5 days into a 28-day treatment session with that sort of news for the people who have been so important in their lives, they have failed to grasp a very important element in recovery - namely becoming humbled and willing to allow God to change them.  IF someone makes this kind of call they are getting way ahead of the program by making amends in step 9 without having worked steps 1 - 8.  I assume you may not know the steps so I will briefly outline those..

  Step 1 - we come to believe we have a problem with alcohol and want a new path in life ; Step 2 - we come to believe that a Power Greater than ourselves can provide that new road; Step 3 - make a decision to humble ourselves to God to do it; Step 4 - look within ourselves and do a thorough moral inventory OF US not other people; Step 5 - tell that inventory to another human being; Step 6 - became willing for God to remove our defects of character; Step 7 - humbly asked God to start the process of removing those defects; Step 8 - made a list of all those persons we had harmed and became willing to make those amends; Step 9 - made direct amends EXCEPT WHEN TO DO SO WOULD INJURE THEM OR OTHERS.   

   I think your friend skipped steps 1 - 8 and went immediately to 9 when he called you with the news.  It was tremendously hurtful to you and I am sorry that that happened.  Life was extremely chaotic for him and I feel he must have been trying to free himself from things that were troubling to him in those early days of recovery.

  If someone does a thorough fourth step (and this can take a long time) they become aware of their part of failed relationships and can be compassionate and understanding but until that time amends in step 9 must be avoided at all costs.

  Keep in mind I have no idea of what he may have said in those early days so I only conjecture on the possibility that a bad attempt at amends was made.  You are the only one who can say whether I may be close to the actual truth.  But amends must be approached very delicately or people like you become victimized by the alcoholic's recovery.  You are hurt before sobriety and then again after and that should not happen.

  I suspect he attempted to make an effort to stay friends and drop the relationship as easily as possible.  Hence, the time you talked and hung out together.  This was probably a way to deal with a sense of guilt of how he treated you for the 4 years and for what he really owes you for all those years of support.

  From those times you discovered you did not love this guy and decided to begin the arduous process of healing by moving on with your life.  He probably had not finished his psychological work leaving you and has some remaining work to do

  It is obvious that you had some remaining work to do as well since you became angry and texted him.  You are needing closure and sought to do this with an individual who can not hear what you need to say nor can he be present to you in this healing. It takes a very profound healing on his part to be able to offer you this closure.

  His subsequent call that precipitated this crisis for you also indicates that he continues to struggle with his healing over the break-up of the relationship - he needs closure as well.

  So, that is where you both reside - apart, not on speaking terms, and seeking closure.

  What do you do? Well, continue with your own healing and new path in life, for one.  Also, continue to seek out friends and therapists who do know how to be present to you as you express your feelings.  Express them and allow God to give you the time to heal.  Your former friend is not capable of providing that right now. Perhaps down the road,  maybe; but for now, no.  You must seek closure in other places.  It will never be complete but you will reach a place of serenity with all this.
 
   When he is at a place of healing to be present to you and you are at a place of healing to be present to him, then closure will be realized.  If this ever happens it will be a rare gift of grace for both of you.  Pray for it and be hopeful but do not expect it to happen.  In God's time perhaps.

  I hope this helps and please write again if you have more questions I may be able to address.

  I will hold you two in my own prayers.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde