Expert: Rebos - 7/28/2007

Question
I married my husband two years ago, he was in the service and at the time I had only met his family when we got married. After about 5 months I could tell that he was really worried about his father who lived in CA alone with no family and so we discussed him coming to live with us in WI in which he did. That was a year and a half ago and now I have the problem of him being an alcoholic and I am lost as to what to do at this point. Here is a little back ground, my husband and I and my 19 Lyra old son get up every morning and go to work while he lounges around all day doing nothing but drinking. There is no medical problems with my father in law, he just chooses not to do anything. He eats and doesn't clean up after himself, he makes a mess and doesn't bother picking up, he will not do anything around the house i.e. take out the trash, or wash his own dishes. He comes out after everyone goes to bed and takes food from my kitchen, which is open to the whole house and will take the food down to his room and hide it. When he comes across extra money (after buying alcohol) he buys food and stashes it in his room. My youngest son is up for the summer and he takes the food that I buy for my son to eat for lunch while we are all at work (my son is 14 and I do not leave my son in my father in laws care so please do not think that, he is old enough to stay at home by himself). I am at my wits end and need some advice. I love my husband very dearly but he chooses to turn a blind eye and claims that he doesn't feel that he should tell a 60 year old man to get a job or to clean up after himself. I try and not say anything due to the fact that I want to live in peace (that's not working because my husband and I fight about it). He has no where else to go, nobody else will let him live with them and he has NO resources at all. He also has not been married for about 30 years, been alone since my husband was 2 or 3. Everyone around me thinks that I am crazy because he does things to upset me on purpose i.e. turn the refrigerator to it's lowest level so that things do not get very cold, or make sure that his coffee grinds (he is the only person that drinks coffee in my house) get all over the trash can or he will leave crumbs from his breakfast all over my computer desk, I know that this sounds minute but believe me, it's not to me. I think that he is acting like a child and he knows that my husband and I fight so he just instigates it. My husband does not belive that he does the things that he does. To make a long story short am to the point to where he needs to go but I am not sure how to go about handling that situation at this time. I do not think that I deserve what he does would like some advise on how to deal with him. I do not think that anyone has ever told him that he is an alcoholic and therefore I do not believe that he thinks he has a problem. His entire family has chosen to just ignore his problems and now I feel that I am stuck holding the bag and I am just about through dealing with it. If his own family can ignore his problems I do not see that it is my place to pick up  his piece and try and put them back together. Please any advice will be appreciated. Thank you in advance.

Answer
Good morning Brigette and thank you for your question.

It is my opinion that your husband should be the one to talk to your father-in-law and not you!

His father should be told by him that if he doesn’t change his irresponsible behavior around the house, and get help for his drinking problem (like going to Alcoholics Anonymous every day) then he “must leave the house”. Your husband (and you) don’t realize that both of you have become ENABLERS that allows your father-in-law to continue to be irresponsible. His father must be told in no uncertain terms that he will no longer be welcome in the house unless he acts “immediately” to correct his ways and stops drinking. Your husband should not, however, threaten his father with any thing that he (your husband) is not 100% willing to follow through on. You should always be free to “say what you mean, mean what you say, and not be mean when you say it” at the time you talk to your husband. It should be brought home to your husband, in no uncertain terms, that your marriage is in danger of coming to an end if he is unwilling to talk to his father. His father must change his attitude, stop drinking and start contributing the harmony of the household instead of destroying it. Before you talk to your husband you may want to write out a list of the problems that you have with his father and hand it to your husband when you talk to him. You may even want to get some input from your sons to drive home the seriousness of the problem. I will give you the same advice… you should not make any threats to your husband that YOU are not 100% willing to follow through with.

You and your husband are completely powerless over your father-in-law’s drinking. If he doesn’t seek help and you choose not to have him leave the house… in any case you and your husband need Al-Anon meetings. If he says that he will stop drinking on his own DON”T BELIEVE HIM! I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower for the long haul. Alanon is a world–wide “anonymous program” attended by people who have an alcoholic in their lives and don't know what to do about it. By attending Alanon meetings you will find that your situation is not quite as unique as you may think. At Alanon you will learn about the disease of alcoholism and how you can manage “your” lives as a result of your father-in-law’s alcoholism, and you and your husband’s enabling. There is no cost to attend, and meetings usually last about an hour. Alanon is intended to help you, not the alcoholic directly. If it is at all possible to help your father-in-law you must first learn to help yourself. You may not be able to do anything about your father-in-law's drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life. Until you are armed with the right kind of information and understand the disease for what it really is, your efforts to help will be a waste of time. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Your 19 year old son would also be welcome at Al-Anon and the 14 year old at Al-Ateen.

Thank you and if there is anything further that I can do for you please send me a follow-up question. Thank you Rebos