Expert: Rebos - 5/31/2006

Question

My father is an alchoholic I don't know exactly how much he
consumes, but it is daily and he is frequently drunk on
weekends and I would guess during some of the weeknights as
well. He is very high functioning, and personable, friendly and
talkative when he drinks.
For a very long time I was in denial that my father had a
problem.The day I realized my dad was an alchoholic was the
day he came to NYC to meet my long term college boyfriend. His
girlfriend (i'll call her Liz) came on the trip as well. We were late
to meet, because they had to pick up alchohol, (in the hour visit
before dinner he consumed a 6pack , she 1/3 bottle of liquor)
We went to dinner where they continued to drink, they were loud
and loose liped and I was very embarrased.
After his return home he wrote an email, and at the end stated
"I'm LOUD and BOISTURUS and drink alot.I know this and this is
how I've been all my life. I hope you can except this." I
responded saying that I love him, and that I think he (and Liz)
aren't drinking fun, that it is a serious problem. He responed
with an email, explaining what he did that day, higlighting how
high functioning he is, and he said he fit's the label, but he does
everything he's supposed to and said alchohal was part of his
"fun", he called me judgemental. When I brought it up again he
lashed out, changing to subject to an issue of sensitivity in my
life.
I have incredable love, respect and admiration for my father. He
is an amazing dad, a great provider and other than drinking
leads a very healthy, productive and passionate life.
I worry he won't "hit bottom" and people around him don't
recognize the problem. I don't know how to talk to him, without
him lashing back at me and I can't stand to lose him from my life
if he gets angry at me talking to him about it, but at the same
time if he dies from this disease I will never forgive myself for
not persuing it aggressively. Can you give any advice?  

Answer
Good morning concerned Daughter:

Thank you for your question. Your question is one that many others have had, and have found an answer to it, that is, if you are willing to follow some simple tenets.

First; plan on going to a support group called Alanon and get active with “your recovery”. At Alanon you will find all of the answers that are troubling you about your father’s drinking. At Alanon you will find, that that you are “powerless” to do anything about his drinking, but you can do something about getting on with your life with a feeling of well-being by learning (among other things) how to “detach from your father’s drinking  problem with love”

Next; you will learn that to be an “enabler” by accepting your father’s unacceptable behavior only makes the problem worse and will only delay him hitting his bottom. In fact you will learn ways of how to possibly “raise his bottom”, but unfortunately, a drunk’s bottom can be as low as one can get…plus six feet!

Also; you will learn to “hate the disease and not your father”. Yes, alcoholism is a disease that is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you father has.

Your father is what’s called a “working drunk”. He’s well liked, has a good job, is respected by his peers, has money, lots of toys and overall a pretty good guy. But he is destroying his life, and you can’t do a thing about it…except to go to Alanon for yourself! If you give Alanon a chance to work for you I guarantee that your life will change for the better. It’s really up to you.

For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If you choose not to go to Alanon the least you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that is uncontrollable.

I would be pleased to give you more information concerning your father’s drinking by receiving a follow-up question from you. Thank you Rebos