Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 5/8/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello Lee Joseph O.,

It's been a while, and sorry I never got back to your last email. I was headed further down the hole... That is until I came as close to rock bottom as I want to get. I finally picked up the big red book again. I pretty much had to start with the chapter for agnostics. I've read the chapter twice before, but always cringed when it spoke of giving yourself over to a higher power. I have repeatedly set the book down with a feeling of disgust. I hated the idea of not being able to fix something myself. Why did I need a God? He never did anything for me in the past... You know how it goes. I finally moved beyond that to, how fast can God help me... What a strange feeling it is to give yourself over to something that a day or two ago you would have been mocking.

I am at the sober email stage also. Funny. I am typing an email sober, not feeling guilty about the night before and still saying that I am an alcoholic and unable to control the drink. It took a lot for me to say it before, and then I rationalized it away when I was sober and looking for another drink. I know I am barely on my first step, but I wanted to let you know that I am stepping. I saved all of the other emails that we had a few months back. I went down pretty fast just after. Fell into gambling. A lot of guilt coming from that, then I hit a kind of pathological stage with both. I never felt good.

I feel good right now though, and I am trying to hang onto it. I have the God thing that I am working on, and I don’t think I’ll let it go any time soon… Can’t believe how many times I typed God and didn’t feel funny…

Email me if you have time.

Thanks,
John

ANSWER: Greetings again, my fellow John!

Having been raised in sectarian religion, I first refused to read “We Agnostics” simply because I thought I already knew all about “G-d” and right living.  But when a year later I was once again floundering at that “as close to rock bottom as I want to get” place, I began to realize we were each and all equally full of fear, pride and ignorance unto death.

You have mentioned picking up “the big red book” again, and I wonder how yours is red.  The original dust jacket was red and yellow, but all books since have been blue, as far as I know.  In any case, I assume we are both talking about “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the so-called A.A. “Big Book”.

You have written, “What a strange feeling it is to [be willing to] give yourself over to something that a day or two ago you would have been mocking.”

My older daughter shares that when she finally got to that place, she simply said, “Okay, you win.”  Or as from the book:

“Circumstances made him willing to believe.  [So, he] humbly offered himself ...” (page 57)

You have written, “I know I am barely on my first step, but I wanted to let you know that I am stepping.”

May I try to be sure you carefully step in just the right places?

As you might already know or at least suspect, permanent recovery is both first and absolutely dependent upon an admission of total powerlessness:

“If a mere code of morals [religion] or a better philosophy of life [psycho-babble] were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, many of us would have recovered long ago.  But we found that such codes and philosophies did not save us, no matter how much we tried.  We could wish to be moral, we could wish to be philosophically comforted, in fact, we could will these things with all our might, but the needed power [to live rightly and comfortably] wasn't there.  Our human resources, as marshalled by the will, were not sufficient [for bringing about right and satisfactory living]; they failed utterly.
“Lack of power, that was our dilemma.  We had to find a power by which we could live, and it had to be a Power greater than ourselves.  Obviously.” (page 45);

“1. We admitted we were powerless ...” (page 59);
“(a) That we ... could not manage our own lives” (page 60);

“... he had admitted complete defeat.  Then he had, in effect, been raised from the dead, suddenly taken from the scrap heap to a level of life better than the best he had ever known!
“Had this power originated in him?  Obviously it had not.  There had been no more power in him than there was in me at that minute; and this was none at all” (page 11).

None of us is ever capable of grasping the full implication of Step One at the very beginning, yet we *can* begin somewhere ... and that somewhere is found in our admission of, as well as our actual *acceptance* of the fact of our powerlessness over alcohol as one part of an overall life dilemma:

“[Drunk or sober, we] were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn't control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn't make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people ...” (page 52).

For some folks, it is overwhelming to have to consider our powerlessness as going far beyond the baffling matter of us and alcohol, yet for others, we already at least suspect we are never going to become “okay” without something to replace the drink:

“I know I must get along without liquor, but how can I?  Have you a sufficient substitute?" (page 152)

So then, Step Two is where we hear some more of “the testimony of the witnesses”, saying something like this:

“Leaving aside the drink question, they tell why living was so unsatisfactory.  They show how the change came over them.  When many hundreds of people are able to say that the consciousness of the Presence of G-d is today the most important fact of their lives, they present a powerful reason why one should have [and live in] faith.” (page 51)

And for those of us who might yet struggle with fear or pride in relation to spiritual matters, we hear this:

“We needed to ask ourselves but one short question: ‘Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?’  As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way.  It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built.” (page 47)

Overall, Steps One and Two must be considered together as we approach Step Three, a decision to proceed, and those first two Steps are summarized in this:

“Our description of the alcoholic [and his powerlessness], the chapter to the agnostic [introducing the simplicity of spiritual reality], and our personal adventures before and after [or ‘what we were like’ before the Steps, ‘what happened’ while taking them, and ‘what we are like now’ (page 58)] make clear three pertinent ideas [or immutable facts upon which permanent recovery is completely dependent]:
“(a) That we were alcoholic *and* could not manage our own lives. (emphasis added)
“(b) That probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism [by managing our lives any better].
“(c) That G-d could and would [relieve our alcoholism *while* managing our lives perfectly] if He were sought.
“Being convinced [or when we are at least willing to believe those things], we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to turn our wills and our lives over to G-d [by taking Steps Four through Nine.]” (page 60)

It is a blessing to hear from you again, and please do stay in touch!  I have few opportunities to share these things with others, and you are not likely to hear them from many others.

Joe

Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com
Forum: http://www.aimoo.com/forum/freeboard.cfm?id=721484


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey Joe,

My book is red... Came with a big one and a little one. Anyway, Right about the reference to stepping in the right places. Already took a left when I should have turned right. I have a friend... Bill... We are going on a trip tomorrow at lunch. I was a bit beside myself when I got off of the phone with him. Always a little more reality when you speak the words out loud, and extremely tough to get them out too . His only response was, " You don't have to say another word. Wednesday's are my favorite days to go".

I'll e-mail you offline once I have gone to my first meeting. Maybe we can discuss some of what goes on???

Thanks,
John

Answer
Hey, John.

Certainly, we can talk about anything you want to talk about.

At the meeting you are about to attend, you are going to hear a lot of cliches, and you will either be told you *can* stay away from the first drink one day at a time or else you will be told it is up to *you* to stay away from the first drink one day at a time.

However, here is my own deal:

"For those who are unable to drink moderately the question is how to stop altogether.  We are assuming, of course, that the reader desires to stop.  Whether such a person can quit upon a nonspiritual basis depends upon the extent to which he has already lost the power to choose whether he will drink or not.  Many of us felt that we had plenty of character.  There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.  Yet we found it impossible.  This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish." (page 34)

In other words, you are about to encounter something other than the original A.A. ... and without pressuring you or demanding anything from you, my job is to be you at least know the difference just in case you are a real alcoholic.

Here for as long as I yet breathe ...

Joe

Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com