Expert: Rebos - 7/23/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hello again, I wrote a few weeks ago my friend who is a functional alcoholic...I told her not to call or email me until she has received treatment... you had agreed that I was doing the right thing- thanks.

Currently she still emails me about once a week or so...I have read the emails but have NOT responded.

Her last email started out with: Know you said you don't want me to contact you, but I know better. Promise not to call... and ended with...Thanks for your friendship throughout the years. Thanks for taking me in. You will always be my BFF.

I'm feeling like since her "boyfriend" doesn't seem to care about the drinking...that she basically in a way signing me off. Thinking - well I have my boyfriend who loves me even though I drink- so why should I stop.

My first instinct is telling me she's sounding this way because he's in the country right now, in a week he'll be back across the ocean and she'll get to felling down..and want to contact me via email. After all you can drink and write at the same time.

My question is what is your take on her last email and what do I do if she doesn't ever get help? Do I eventually cave in an start talking again? Some parts of me wants to do that and other parts tell me why would I want to keep going threw the same **** as before.
Please advise - thanks so much.

ANSWER: Good morning Sandy.

It was good to hear from you again and thank you for the status of your friend’s situation and your new question.

It is my opinion that your friend is playing a game with you. She realizes that that you are serious and that you have learned the rules of the game that she was playing… so… she is changing the rules of her game and hopes that you will weaken your position and once again gain control of your relationship with her. If you fall for her manipulation and she does gain control you will once again be at her mercy.

The bottom line is, that you will tend to want to do what is the “most comfortable” for you, but that may not be the best thing that you “should do”. Since (I assume)that you already gave her an ultimatum to get help and not contact you until she is sober in a recovery program for at least 1 year, you will become her “enabler” and she will have you right where she wants you to be. I have not changed my mind as to the requirements for you and her to resume your friendship. She already has an enabler in her boyfriend and she doesn’t need another one.

If you have read any of my answers to other past questioners some of the advice that I have given to people bears repeating to you… and it is… Alcoholics don’t have boyfriends, lovers, husbands, children or friends. Alcoholics have “victims” and take “hostages” because they are so self-centered to their addiction that they cannot have a normal relationship with another human being. Booze (their addiction) will always come first!

If you are serious about her not contacting you, her e-mail address can be one of those who you block and her message will be returned to her as un-read. If she tries to change her address you can add her “new” address to be blocked. It won’t be long before she gets the message that you no longer want to hear from her. It may help to raise her bottom, whatever that may be.

It has crossed my mind that you may gain some benefit by going to some Al-Anon meetings and listen to member speakers who you will find may be in the same boat as you are in, and have found an answer to your questioning “what should you do?” If you haven’t heard of Al-Anon it is a 12 Step program specifically designed to help the spouses, family and friends of alcoholics. Your problem is solvable if you really want it to be! Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

If I can be of further help to you don’t hesitate to contact me again. Thank you Rebos


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Rebos,

I did tell her not to contact me until she has completed a program, but not for 1 year.

I totally agree with you and have thought the same thing from blocking her emails to attending Al-Anon meetings.
My email account will only not send the email, it doesn't send an email saying "not read" or "your email account has been blocked" I want to go ahead and block it anyway, then the other part of me want's her to know I mean no emails or calls.

I do worry that her that- her "boyfriend" doesn't care if she drinks or not, makes it easier for her not to seek help. Which of course I know it does, so I guess I should prepare for the all haul of no communication.

If she emails again, should I tell her again not to contact me until she is sober and in a recovery program for at least 1 yr?

Answer
Good morning Sandy:

If you are serious about not wanting her to contact you in any way, why not learn to practice some discipline and NOT READ her e-mails, but just delete them without opening them up. Until you can do that comfortably (without peeking) she will still own you! As for her “boyfriend” he likes it just the way that it is so he can maintain control of her life. Thank you Rebos