Expert: Rebos - 12/29/2007

Question
I have a neighbor who is a functional alcoholic, I believe, as he drinks all the time, including when he is driving or about to drive.  He and my husband are friends and my children are friends with his children.  The wife is in complete denial about the whole thing and thinks their life is perfect.  Except.  

Except when I see the two of them talking, there is a lot of anger, and it is clear there is very poor communication between the two of them.  Anyway, my question is this.  My kids are friends with their kids.  It is very difficult to end this.  If I could just wash my hands of this whole family and I didn't have kids to consider, believe me, I would.  The parents take advantage of me all the time by manipulating me into watching their kids for them.  I am so fed up.  I don't really want to tell my kids they can't play with their kids any more.  But I want to make it clear to the parents that I am not enabling them any more.  Is it possible to walk this fine line?  Any suggestions?

Answer

Good afternoon Lili and thank you for your question.

First and foremost I would tell your children that they are not allowed, under any circumstances, to accept any automobile rides from your friend’s husband! Absolutely never… unless he gets help (and is successful) for his drinking problem! You can tell your children the truth as to why, but if you tell them the truth (children being children) it will get back to the parents of your children’s playmates as to the reason why they cannot accept any rides from their father. If you are okay with that possibility, then go for it. If not, depending on the ages of your children, you may want to avoid telling them the truth, but at least give them a reason. Talk to your husband as to how you feel about the situation. If the man is really a friend rather than “just a neighbor” your husband owes it to his friend to tell him the truth. It may help to raise his bottom and save his friend’s life… or at least give him something to think about. If the kids get along well I believe you should not discourage them from playing together. The only exception, by my way of thinking, is if their playmates are having a bad influence on your children, because they are the children from a dysfunctional home. You have an obligation to protect your children under any and all circumstances!

Concerning your friends taking advantage of you; YOU are allowing them to take advantage of your good nature. NO is also an answer! As the old saying goes “Fool me once and it is your fault… fool me twice and it is my fault”. You have to learn to say what you mean, mean what you say, but don’t be mean when you say it. If you happen to get into a conversation with his wife about her husband's drinking you may want to offer to go with her to an Alanon meeting. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada).

I hope that my answer has given you some food for thought. The answer, however, is your call. Thank you Rebos