Expert: Rebos - 7/8/2007

Question
QUESTION: Don't know where to start - I'll try a short version. Best friend is a functional alcoholic,sex addicted and male dependent.  She admits,to the functional Alcoholic but stops there. She's extremely smart so of course all the pro's no nothing. Been in rehab - to keep from going to jail, and basically spent the time fooling the pro's and instead of seeking work on days the gave her "time off" to look for work she spent her time at boyfriends trying to get back into his life. Bla, Bla, Bla.. single,does work and has one teen at home I've had it, she lies, when sober and drunk... one plus is being drunk brings the truth out.

After this latest episode and years of 'being there" for her,I told her that I feel that I have enabled her and want her so seek treatment, I told her not to call or email until she was finished with treatment.
Spent to many years of hearing- I'll go, I went, I finished and drinking all the while. I'm sticking to this no communication thing.. until I know she has done it for real.
We have the same circle of friends so I know she does talk to them and they will keep me posted.
Did I do the right thing??? I guess I'm seeking approval for my actions.

ANSWER:

Good afternoon Sandy and thank you for your question.

You are 100% correct by doing what you described and I hope that you continue to do so!

Unfortunately it seems that your friend may be one of those poor unfortunates that cannot get honest about what alcohol is doing to her and will end up in an early grave, a mental institution or a penal institution. You have to remember that you can talk until you’re blue in the face, and even beg her to get help, but as you have already experienced… SHE’S GOTTAWANNA!

She will make all kinds of promises, but if she’s not ready to stop she will do just about anything to protect her right to drink. On your own you are totally powerless to do anything about your friend’s drinking problem. You can stop feeling guilty… you did the right thing!

With all that being said, I hope that your other friends are not enabling her. If they themselves are having a drinking problem they probably are enabling her. If they are not having a drinking problem the next best thing that you can do for your mutual friend is to have an intervention with you, all her other close friends, the teen at home, her employer and any significant others in attendance. The only caution is … to make sure that the person who moderates the intervention is experienced in dealing with alcoholic interventions.

I would be interested in what action you decide to take. If you have any further questions on the subject of your friend’s drinking please feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Rebos, thank you for the reassurance. My husband and another mutual friend do stand behind my decision. My husband will not let me contact her until he says so... I trust his decision.
How long do you suggest I keep the non communication?  

Answer

Good morning Sandy and thank you for your follow-up message.

As you know first hand alcoholics lie and will do anything to protect their right to continue drinking. Your friend may tell you that she has stopped drinking without seeking any outside help. She will be lying to you, if she somehow gets to tell you, that she has stopped drinking on her own! In 37 years I have never seen an alcoholic stop drinking on their willpower alone. The addiction is too strong. There is an old saying, “Once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”.

I recommend that only after your friend has been sober in a program like Alcoholics Anonymous for ONE FULL YEAR (without any relapses) should you attempt to contact her in any way. If she gets into AA recovery she will be the first to tell you that she wants to make amends to you and then you will know that she has been working on herself for that year. Let her be a negative power of example to you that, “But for the grace of God go I”.

Thank you again, Rebos.