Expert: Rebos - 7/18/2007

Question
Hi, I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year now. The day I started dating her was the day after her first and only DUI. She has been struggling with alcohol addiction for years, and finally this past fall she decided to stop drinking and has been sober for over 8 months now. Since alcohol has been insignificant to me, I have stopped drinking alcohol to show support to her. What confuses me is that she seems to encourage me to drink in social gatherings, or when we dine out. I believe she just doesn't want me to feel like I cannot enjoy an occasional alcoholic beverage from time to time. I really don't miss drinking, and I feel like if I were to drink a beer in front of her it may tempt her to want a drink as well. Also, she has found an all female AA support group that she goes to usually one time per week. She seems to be doing well on her own at keeping away from alcohol, but she will tell me when she gets the urge to want to drink. I have been just telling her that she is doing so well and I know that if she takes that first drink she will get depressed and all the strength that it has taken to stay away from it for 8 months will seem all for nothing. My question is, should I have an occasional beer if I feel like it? Or is it good to continue not drinking as well? Also, I want her to know I support her on her decsion. Is there any suggestions of anything special I can do to show her that I am here and supporting her. I love her more than anything and want her to continue her life w/o alcohol.  Thanks for your help in advance. Rich

Answer

Good afternoon Rich and thank you for your question.

The first thing that you can do to support your girlfriend is to start attending Al-Anon meetings. That is where you will get answers to all of your questions that will arise in your relationship with her. Believe me you will have lots of questions from time to time. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help her by first learning to help yourself. Alcoholism affects everyone who an alcoholic comes into contact with. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Al-Anon is specifically designed for all those who have an alcoholic in their lives whether or not the alcoholic is in recovery. You will get a better understanding of the disease. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation as you are in now.

Concerning as to whether or not you should drink in her presence… you will learn that if she is well founded in her program of recovery, there is nothing that you can do or say that will cause her to start drinking again. You can’t live your life as though you are “walking on eggshells”! Don’t make a martyr out of her for living a normal life as she should have been all the time she drank or drugged. However I am surprised that she is only going to one meeting a week, and only a woman’s meeting at that. If she is going to only one a week there is a good chance that she doesn’t have a woman sponsor, hasn’t joined a group, doesn’t go to step meetings, nor is a part of AA rather than apart from it. Just between you and I there is a good chance that she will start drinking again unless she takes a more active part in her recovery. Whatever you do don’t tell her that she isn’t going to enough meetings, but try to encourage her to go to more meetings. You can also ask her if you can go to “Open Meetings” with her. Make a night of it… by going to dinner before and maybe an ice cream cone or sundae after the meeting.

Getting back to you drinking in her company… it’s OK, BUT when you kiss her goodnight you will taste and smell from the alcohol you drank and that’s NOT OK. If you don’t have to drink alcohol, DON’T DRINK IT! If you have to drink then that’s a different story.

I hope that my answer to you has been satisfactory. If I can be of further help don’t hesitate to contact me again. Thank you Rebos