Expert: Clyde - 6/23/2007

Question
My husband drinks way to much.He wants to pick small stupid fights.He keeps telling me how he is the boss and no one tells him when to stop drinking. He also wants me to choose him over my daughter.

Answer
Keri,
 Thank you for sending me your question.  I can hear your pain and your frustration in your short question.
 I see two issues in the question so I will respond on each.
Issue 1:  Excessive drinking
 You are probably right in your assessment of your husband's excessive drinking.  Others are usually able to see the destructive nature of alcoholic drinking well before the one who is committing the offenses.  You apparently have broached the subject of his drinking with him on more than one occasion (he keeps telling...) which indicates multiple discussions.
  What not to do -- do not mention his drinking again.  It is fruitless and will only infuriate and frustrate you more.  He will have to decide to do something about it (the drinking) only if he chooses.
 If you have not already done so in the past, I suggest you contact one of your local Alanon groups (12 step programs for family and friends of alcoholics).  You can find their number in the local yellow pages or any hospital will be able to direct you to the number.  Attend some meetings and meet some of the people who have walked in your shoes and have dealt with an alcoholic in their lives.  These people will share with you their experience, strength, and hope and from that sharing you will learn three things about your husband's drinking: 1.)You did not cause it; 2.) You can not cure it; and, 3.) You can not control it.  These are the three C's.
 This is the best thing for you.  You must find support and find someone who can hear your frustration.
  The best thing for your husband is Alcoholics Anonymous but he must choose to call that 12-step program.  It is not for you to do for him.
   If you attend Alanon and he learns that you are, it might set the example for him.  Who knows.
2.) Pitting you against your daughter
   Sounds like more is going on than just drinking and this is always the case.  Alcoholics drink for all kinds of reasons and the excuses are endless.  He is putting you in what is called a "triangle."  A triangle in this case is bringing someone else into your relationship with him - namely, your daughter.  That is not healthy and it is not easy to see the main issue when the confusion of a third party is brought into a relationship (yours with your husband).
  What this does signal is this - you will have to make some decisions about your relationship with him aside from your decisions about relationships with anyone else (daughter).  Your relationship with her is a separate issue and need not be part of your issues with him.  People do these type of behaviors to control.  He evidently knows that he has some power over you when it comes to your daughter.  In other words he know which buttons to push to get into the control position.  He probably good at it and has done it for a long time.

  I hope that this has helped.  I hope you will prayerfully consider calling Alanon soon and begin learning more about the disease of alcoholism.  It is not a moral issue -- it is a disease.  From this suggestion you will find the help you need to sort through the things you need to do for you.  You are number one in this.  You are worthy of the help.  Do this for yourself.  I know from experience that if you will do this life will begin to take on a whole new meaning and you will find happiness.  It will take time but you must make a start.

  I will keep you all in my prayers.  Blessings on your adventure into new life!