AboutTodd Expertise I can answer questions related to getting/staying sober, queries related to support for loved ones, questions on support groups, relapse prevention, communication skills, alcohol and drug pharmacology, spirituality, and finding ways to increase joy within sobriety. I see sobriety as a skill and encourage people to find a sobriety mentor.
Experience I've been working in the field of addictions for over 24 years, within the inpatient and outpatient setting, as well as working in the Department of Corrections, the Director of Counseling for a large chemical dependency hospital, to where I'm currently employed doing in-home mental health and chemical dependency engagement with seniors. I've been sober for over 28 years and have a sense of what is required to maintain long-term sobriety and abstinence, and engage lasting change.
Education/Credentials Degree/certification as a chemical dependency counselor, and state certification as an addiction professional.
Question I have a friend who entered rehab for his problem with alcohol. He hhs gotten 2 DUI's in one year, and blacks out sometimes. His other friends don't think he needs to quit drinking! They say, he don't need to quit drinking, just don't drive when you drink. I tried to explain to them, that the alcohol impairs his ability to think clearly and is why he will continue to drive drunk if he keeps drinking. They think I am crazy for having this view. They come up with scenario's like, he makes bad decisions when he's sober too. And would it be ok for him to drink if he didn't own a car. I cannot understand how they think its ok for him to still drink, and I don't know how to explain it to them to understand. Can you help me help them realize that him quitting drinking all together is the right answer? Thanks a bunch.
Answer Hi there -
Thanks for the question. I am swamped as I am a counselor and life coach but wanted to respond as this question is close to my heart.
Your friend sounds like he is alcoholic, but at the very least he has a "drinking problem." (I always like how people say they have a "drinking problem" as to minimize the impact of how saying alcoholic would feel coming off of their lips. Usually when you say you're alcoholic, you have to own ALL of the things that go along with that: how you have treated other people, your behavior, lack of behavior, family dysfunction, etc. It's a loaded thing to admit)
Anyway I digress.
When we diagnose alcoholism we use something called "Social Impairment" which essentially means that a person who drinks (who is alcoholic) spends time with people that drink as much or more than they do. If you drink a lot, and your friends drink EVEN more, then in your eyes you don't have a problem. If his "friends" drink a lot, and he drinks less, it would make sense to me that they wouldn't think he has a problem. One also has to consider the possibility that if I believe that my friend has a problem, then I have to look at my own behavior. I would suggest that it would be very hard for these other people to look at their own behavior - they would need to admit they have a problem.
Also, most of what people struggle with is a lack of education (denial) - it's ...denial is not only overt, it's a well developed alibi system; hard to see the forest when you are living amongst the trees. Perhaps at this juncture your friend can't see his behavior, he needs these people that support his ability to drink - if they change he will not only need to look at his behavior, he will need to change - perhaps these same people are invested in him NOT changing as they too would need to change.
many people have developed a lifestyle related to drinking and have difficulty seeing anything beyond this. For many people it would be VERY scary to think of a life without the use of chemicals.
Personally, I don't think you're crazy - you sound very sane. You care for this person quite a bit and that's evident. In a very strange way they are trying to do the same thing you're doing: they are trying to protect their friend...unfortunately their efforts only continue to support his disease, not his health.
I don't think you can explain it to them, no matter how hard you try. People can be very invested in their behavior, especially if their behavior leads them not to face what they need to look at.
I would encourage you to think about the relationship, if you are getting what you need in the relationship, if you can continue to maintain the relationship with his behavior, of if you feel like you are enabling him. If you don't do anything he could believe that what he's doing is okay, even if you have said otherwise a zillion times. Our actions are the only thing that tells the truth, and if you talk about how you feel and don't engage any action, then you give the message that his behavior is ok.
I would invite you (if you are able) to tell him that your energy comes from your concern, that you want the best for him, but you can't continue to see him end his life, and you are concerned that his "friends" don't have his best interest at heart. Perhaps you can take a break (a stand) to let him know you are not okay with what is happening.
I would also invite you to attend some al-anon meetings and read some literature related to friends of alcoholics, alcoholism, chemical dependency, etc. It's important to learn as much as you can - chemical dependency is the only disease which tells you that you don't have a disease..
I hope this is helpful - you are always welcome to write back to let me know how it worked out.
