Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 8/7/2007

Question
Hi,



I am a 36 year old male and I am writing about a 37 year old woman.



I started dating a woman in the fall of 2005.  As we became close she shared what she called her "mysterious medical problems" eventually telling me she had lupus.  Turns out it was simply aggravated alcoholism with additional physical manifestations.



At that time when I knew it was a drinking problem, I confronted her and asked her to stop and begin attending some recovery assistance program (AA or otherwise).  She didn't so I ended our relationship.



Shortly thereafter, she went on a binge, lost her job due to drinking, and a variety of other drama ensued.  At the end of that episode she entered an inpatient recovery facility for 2 weeks.



When she got out, she contacted me and asked if we could try again.  My feelings for her were genuine, so I agreed.  I set a ground rule that she would keep gong to AA (her assistance choice).  I also said that should she relapse it would be 'over' without a discussion.



This went well for some time, and eventually I asked her to move in with me.  In support of her continuing recovery, I did not drink in her presence, we did not go to places or situations where drinking was prevalent.  I also gave her my complete trust. I did not watch or monitor her or pressure her about her recovery.  She is an adult and I trusted her.  Her initial sobriety date was 3/8/06.



Since she moved in we have had what I would consider a 'normal' relationship.  I really thought things were going well.



About three weeks ago she had a dinner date with some of her friends from work.  She had done this many times before and I gave it not a second thought.  However this time she didn't come home at the usual time and that worried me.  I called her cell without answer.  She called me around midnight saying she "lost her keys."



It was obvious that she had been drinking.  I went and picked her up without saying a word.  That night when we returned home, I asked her to leave.



Much discussion ensued and the main topics were: 1. She thought she could control her desires for alcohol herself. 2. she had stopped going to meetings. 3. She felt ashamed to come to me and say she felt weak and needed help.



I reassured her I supported her without judgement and she could come to me with anything.  We agree she would resume AA meetings as well as see her therapist on a regular basis. And we decided to try again, again with the stipulation that if she drank again it would be over.



Well, this past Friday she went out bought wine, came back to the house and drank.  This weekend has been rough.  I have asked her to leave, again.  Again she is asking for another chance.  One moment she assumes all responsibility, the next she tries to blame me for her drinking.



So, now my question.  I don't know what to do.  I care for her, but my trust in her is gone.  How can I plan a life with her and a family if I am always going to wonder if at any stressful time she is going to relapse, possibly hurting herself, others, or even our possible children.



I also don't want to enable this behavior by letter her drink and then just apologize and have no consequences.



On the other hand I care for her and don't want to throw something away.



To me, her failing twice is a huge deal.  But, I may not have the right perspective on this as I am no expert.  Are failings normal?  How should people respond?  What is an appropriate response?  I feel so lost, I don't know what to do.

Answer
Greetings to you, Vince.

You have written:

>> I don't know what to do.  I care for her, but my trust in her is gone.

Until permanent recovery has taken place, you can be fairly certain that an alcoholic is going to drink ... and there is actually nothing he or she can do about that.  Internal issues first drive the alcoholic to the bottle for relief, then the physical factor of alcoholism takes over and one drink demands another.  So then, it is not so much that the alcoholic is not trustworthy as that his or her alcoholism ultimately makes trustworthiness impossible.

>> How can I plan a life with her and a family if I am always going to wonder if at any stressful time she is going to relapse, possibly hurting herself, others, or even our possible children.

If you there mean “plan a *normal* life”, you cannot.

>> I also don't want to enable this behavior by letter her drink and then just apologize and have no consequences.

Her behaviour is actually beyond her own control, but yes, an alcoholic usually has to suffer his or her own consequences for quite a while before ever becoming sufficiently willing to truly accept the kind of help that can actually work.

>> On the other hand I care for her and don't want to throw something away.

Since today’s AA and treatment centers and therapists and so on cannot help her, one thing you might consider is finding out more about what she has and what she really needs, then passing that information along to her.

>> Are failings normal?

Prior to *effective* treatment and in today’s AA and so on, yes.  But once the original A.A. experience has begun to take hold, they are by far the exception.

>> How should people respond?  What is an appropriate response?

Ask her whether she believes she knows what went wrong, then ask whether the two of you might together take a look at the common experience shared in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book.  Also do a little reading there yourself, and let her know you are hearing something about a permanent solution that might be of interest to her.

Please write as often and as much as you like,

Joseph Lee O.