Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 10/29/2007

Question
My father died of alcoholism.  Because of this tragedy I never drank - I was (am) too afraid of it.  And I always disqualified potential boyfriends based on how much they drank.  Basically if they ever drank more than they intended to, or said they would, or just too much for me to be comfortable, I stopped seeing them abruptly.  I was smug about my ability to stick to this "rule", and felt rather superior to friends who I viewed as "stupid" enough to get involved with anyone who drank.

Well, life has a way of humbling those of us foolish enough to be smug or superior, and I now find myself unable not to love a man who does have a problem with drinking.  He is definitely an alcoholic.  I see who he is despite this illness and who he is, is something I very much want in my life.  But I cannot be with him unless he quits - which he has recently promised to do, and has for the last week.  

Much as I want to believe in this, I am not delusional.  I don't think the love of another person is enough to spur someone to quit for good.  I think that if he ties his hopes for us to his commitment to quitting, as soon as I make him angry (which I'm sure I will sometime) he will relapse.  And I'm wondering if I will ever trust him not to drink given any number of situations (i.e. he's upset, angry at me, with drinking friends etc.).  Is there any hope? Is love really a viable adversary for this disease?  Can someone just quit if they want someone in their life badly enough?  He believes he can.

Answer
Greetings to you, Merideth.

First, please allow me to commend your consciousness-of-self and your candor.  All of us are truly vulnerable, and the willingness to ultimately admit that and to share it with others is vital to rewarding fellowship and relationships.

As long as it eventually trips someone up, lurking evil seems not to care how long it might take to do so.  Where fear and even some pride have kept you from certain alcohol-related troubles in the past, evil would now rob you of the wisdom you have nevertheless gained ... and it would do that by suggesting your instinct-driven emotions take the lead over your intellect (sight).  Thus, all human beings ultimately find themselves confronted by the matter or question of faith in and reliance upon the sovereign Creator of all and Provider of all that is good.

You have written:

>> I always disqualified potential boyfriends based on how much they drank.

Do not abandon the principle behind that standard.

>> I was smug about my ability to stick to this "rule" ...

Sans smugness, be grateful that “rule” has spared you much trouble thus far.

>> ... and felt rather superior to friends who I viewed as "stupid" enough to get involved with anyone who drank.

As you seem to know: Now finding ourselves in the shoes of others does not alter the advice we already knew as best.

>> Well, life has a way of humbling those of us foolish enough to be smug or superior, and I now find myself unable not to love a man who does have a problem with drinking.

You are certainly not expected to hate him.

>> He is definitely an alcoholic.

You would know.

>> I see who he is despite this illness ...

Like a powerful vehicle with bad brakes – undoubtedly headed for a wreck.

>> ... and who he [potentially] is, is something I very much want in my life.

Nothing wrong with that, yet let us first have him spiritually overhauled.

>> I cannot be with him unless he quits ...

Yes, and again: Stick to that, no matter what.

>> Much as I want to believe in this, I am not delusional.  I don't think the love of another person is enough to spur someone to quit for good.

Possibly for some heavy drinkers who are *not* alcoholics, but definitely not for the true alcoholic.  To wit:

“Moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have good reason for it.  They can take it or leave it alone.
“Then we have a certain type of hard drinker.  He may have the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally.  It may cause him to die a few years before his time.  [Now if] a sufficiently strong reason - ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or the warning of a doctor - becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome and may even need medical attention.
“But what about the real alcoholic?  He may start off as a moderate drinker; he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker; but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption, once he starts to drink ...” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, pages 20-21)

... and you already know the rest of that story.

>> I think that if he ties his hopes for us to his commitment to quitting, as soon as I make him angry (which I'm sure I will sometime) he will relapse.

Almost undoubtedly.  However, he *would* be safe tying those hopes to a *desire* to stop drinking, followed by the combination of an admission he cannot do so and the complete willingness to do whatever is required to actually permanently recover.

>> And I'm wondering if I will ever trust him not to drink given any number of situations (i.e. he's upset, angry at me, with drinking friends etc.).

Once you understand permanent recovery and recognize it in him, your fear he might eventually drink again will ultimately slip away.

>> Is there any hope?

In the above, yes.

>> Is love really a viable adversary for this disease?

Yes, but not in the ways we humans naturally think.

>> Can someone just quit if they want someone in their life badly enough?

If he or she is alcoholic, no, not for good and all.

>> He believes he can.

Tell him you have just talked a bit with someone who has lived and understands this:

“Many of us felt that we had plenty of character.  There was a tremendous urge to cease forever.  Yet we found it impossible.  This is the baffling feature of alcoholism as we know it - this utter inability to leave it alone, no matter how great the necessity or the wish.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 34)

Please know you are welcomed to write as often and as much as you might like.

Joseph Lee O.
Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com