Expert: Clyde - 10/24/2007

Question
Recently, my husband entered into an alcohol detox facility where he was educated on the "triggers" of his alcohol abuse.  I was named as one of these triggers, along with our children.  Guided by what his counselors had informed him to do, in order to quit drinking, my husband left us and moved into a small apartment not to far away and was told to refrain from seeing us for 90 days.  

Is this common practice?  I am feeling very hurt and alienated by my husband.  I was willing to help him quit, and this is the price I pay for recommending that he seek treatment.

Sincerely,

Mandy

Answer
Mandy,
 Thank you for your question.  Without knowing the particulars of the "trigger" effect you and the children have on your husband (according to the counselor), I can not speak to the validity of this recommendation.

  I do not feel that this is common practice and here is why.  When I place blame on others for my behavior- i.e. they trigger me to do something destructive, I am no longer taking responsibility for myself.  That is counter to what I have been taught in my recovery.  I MUST learn to be accountable and responsible for my actions no matter what is going on around me.  I must learn to counter the "trigger" effect on my own using healthy behaviors.

  That being said, I would ask that you look within the family system and try and put your finger on the real problem here.  It could be a thousand things and I will not try to conjecture.  His counselor evidently sees something with which your husband is not ready to cope.  I would defer to the counselor's skill and assume this recommendation will give him time to deal with some issues.  When we need "time-out" we need "time-out" and perhaps this is necessary.  It is for his good even though it hurts you to have to be separated.

  I can see how hurtful this would be to you since you are not being given any explanations from him or his counselor. I would suggest that if you haven't already, try to discuss this arrangement with his counselor and express your dismay with how things are being handled.  If you receive this information you will be better able to assess whether or not you feel this counselor is doing a good job for your husband.  Unfortunately, there are bad counselors who are not trained to handle addictive disorders.

   I hope this may help in your frustration.  Treating alcoholism is not an easy task but thank God he is doing something about it.  It looks pretty selfish but the active alcoholic is a sick person not a bad person.  They need to do some pretty tough things to get sober.  One last thought - you don't say how he feels about this separation and isolation.  It may be just as hard on him to go through these days alone as well.

Grace and Peace

Clyde