Expert: Rebos - 11/17/2007

Question
Hi I am new to this site but unfortunatly not to my husbands drinking. He has been an alcoholic for 11 years. He was sober for all of 2006 and part of 2007. He started drinking again in August when the doctors told me I had cancer. It turns out I had something else but it was to late,his slide had already begun. Now I have been to enough AA meetings with him, I use to go with him 2-3 times a week, to know he will never be cured. I know I can't make him stop. My problem is... I am not strong enough to do this again...he is extemely verbally abusive and yes sometimes he gets physical. This time he is even more hateful when he drinks. He refuses to leave and admits he knows he has to stop. But he never does anything about it. My question is how do I reprogram myself into not going insane over this. I feel like my life is over and I am to tired to fight anymore. Please help me

Answer
Good afternoon Linda and thank you for your question.

I will mean no offense to you in what I write, but it will be the truth… you can take that to the bank! The best and sure fire way for you to “not go insane” is for you to start going to Alanon! I am sure that you know what Alanon is, or maybe… you really don’t know what Alanon is… and you just think you do. All of the AA meetings that you went to with your husband did YOU very little good, while all that time you should have spent at Alanon meetings for YOU. Whether or not you intend to remain married to this wife beater I recommend that you get to some Al-Anon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to maybe help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right kind of information about the disease of alcoholism, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. As you know first-hand alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to AlAnon (which I hope you do) remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work and tell him that you are going to meetings, because of the verbal and physical abuse he puts you thru! You haven’t stated whether or not you have children… if you do Alanon also sponsors another self help group called Alateen for the children of alcoholics.

If you decide to leave him or even just have him removed from the home I see no reason for you (and any children that you may have) to be the one(s) to leave the house. Get a restraining order against him for his drunkenness and physical abuse and have the police there to make him leave. PLEASE never threaten him with anything that you are not 100% willing to follow thru with! Only after he enters a detoxification clinic and is sober in Alcoholics Anonymous for no less than one year should you consider (unless you chose not to) letting him back into the home. You just might get used to enjoying the peace and quiet. In either case I believe that you should attend Alanon Meetings (and your children attend Alateen Meetings during the same time).

It has been my experience to have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower for the long haul. All the threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. You husband needs to get some distance between him and alcohol for a while.

When the doctors thought that you had cancer that was just the EXCUSE that your husband used to start drinking again. If I was a betting person I would be willing to bet that; your husband never joined a group, and if he did he was not active in the group, he did not have a sponsor and use him, he did not go to 12 step meetings, and most of all… not pick-up a drink and ask for help from a Higher Power. How many times have you heard at AA, “You don’t pick-up a drink no matter what”! If you do have children you can be sure that your drunken husband is not being a very good roll model for them!

I realize that I haven’t solved your problem, but there are options available to you. If I can be of any further help to you please feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos