Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 10/24/2006

Question
I am distraught, because my husband of three years, who I've recently figured
out is an alcoholic (out of control binge drinking, but otherwise fully
functioning) told me he doesn't love me and wants a divorce.  He has not
been able to pull the trigger yet though ( we were separated for several
months last year for the same reason and he came back).  He says it is
different this time because he is "sure" we are not meant for each other.   Is
this just the alcoholic in him talking?  I am not sure what to make of it, when
he comes home completely smashed he tells me how he wishes he could die
and that  I should find someone less messed up.  Sober, he does realize there
is something wrong with the way he drinks, but he thinks he can somehow
control or fix it himself.  I understand now that I cannot fix himself (belive
me, I tried) and have completely laid off on his drinking.  We seem to be in
this weird state where I have no idea what he is thinking, if he does not love
me apart from the alcoholism.   How can I tell the difference? If it is his
disease talking, I would be willing to stick it out a little longer to see if he can
figure it out on his own now that I am not standing in the way of his drinking.  
But another part of me is thinking I am a complete idiot to not break ties
right away when he has told me he doesn't love me.


Answer
Greetings to you, Grace.

Yes, I would say your husband certainly seems alcoholic, and I grieve for you in your overall situation.  If you are young, you sound quite a bit more mature than many of the 20-somethings who write about similar situations with their "boy"friends, and if you are a little older, as I suspect, you are at times probably feeling weary even beyond your actually-still-young age.

You have written ...

>> [he] told me he doesn't love me and wants a divorce ...
>> [this time] he is "sure" we are not meant for each other.
>> Is this just the alcoholic in him talking?

In the sense that his distracting obsession for the effect of alcohol further impairs his already-weak ability to sort out his hopes, dreams, expectations, frustrations, fears, failures and so on, yes.  That is why, when "smashed", he tells you he "wishes he could die" and that you should find someone "less messed up" ... and since even he would agree that "not messed up at all" would be ideal, that remark likely indicates he has very little (if any) hope of ever finding someone who could help him if he were to ever seek help.

>> Sober, he does realize there is something wrong with the way he drinks, but he thinks he can somehow control or fix it himself.

Along with the above-mentioned obsession for the effect he gets from drinking, that surely-I-can-do-it is usually the real alcoholic's second obsession: trying to drink with impunity.  And of course, that day is not ever going to arrive.

>> We seem to be in this weird state where I have no idea what he is thinking, if he does not love me apart from the alcoholism.   How can I tell the difference?

I would say he truly *wants* to love you, as in treating your properly, rightly, lovingly and so on, and that the "weird state" you mention is at least partly another reflection of his overall inability to understand himself and figure out just what is actually going on.

>> If it is his disease talking, I would be willing to stick it out a little longer to see if he can figure it out on his own now that I am not standing in the way of his drinking.

Even with your "not standing in the way", as you say, I can assure you that your husband would not be able to figure anything out on his own even if he was sober for long enough for his brain to physically clear to a point where his ability to think rightly could improve.  Truly, Grace, that is the alcoholic's dilemma: depravity, and with the only effective solution being a spiritual one.

>> another part of me is thinking I am a complete idiot to not break ties right away when he has told me he doesn't love me.

Again, it is at least possible that he actually does *want* to love you, but at the moment, he cannot think of anyone but himself.

Should you leave him?  I cannot say.  Whether your own, his or yours together, are there any children involved?  If so, give them your all and do what is best for them while praying that some day your husband might find the help he needs and come along also.

Are you at all familiar with "Alcoholics Anonymous", the book?  There is a chapter "To Wives" in that book that you might find helpful.  And of course, you are most welcomed to write either here on this site or by e-mail as often and as much as you like.

My best to you,

Joseph Lee O.

Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com