Expert: Clyde - 12/1/2007

Question
My husband drinks everyday, he goes through a 5th of vodka in 5 or 6 days, along with a daily beer or two (after work) AND a glass or two of wine with dinner.  He is never visibly "drunk" (slobbering, falling, etc.) But, after a few drinks his mood always changes, he becomes argumentative and verbally abusive.  He also often "forgets" things we have talked about.  He has never been physically abusive thankfully.  I have told him that I think he is an alcoholic, of course he denies it.  My question:  Would you call this alcohol abuse or flat out alcoholism?  AND what should I do.  We have a 16 month old, so that causes more confusion for me, in more ways than one.

Answer
Samantha,
     Thank you for your question.

     The description of his drinking may indicate alcoholic drinking.  Although the amount of alcohol consumption is not of primary importance in determining whether one is an alcoholic, the amount your husband drinks does indicate a dependence on the effects of the substance.  It may just be habitual - like eating too much ice cream or chocolate.

     The alcoholic is really displaying "alcoholic thinking" meaning that the alcohol is used in an abusive way to escape life on life's term.  Although the alcoholic will drink for many, many reasons, he/she escapes real feelings by depending on the "mood altering" effects of substances.  If continued to a critical point, the person is addicted to the substance/behavior that is providing the mood alteration.  Alcoholics drink when they are sad in order to be happy; when happy to celebrate (which depresses the moods rather than heightening them meaning the happiness is changed into depression); when nervous and wanting to relax; when low on self-esteem and needing a boost in "I'm the life of the party"; when low on confidence and needing to lower inhibitions to "make the move on the client/girl/boy/whatever; on and on and on.....

     You asked, What should you do? and mentioned that you have a 16 month old.  You can really do nothing more than you have done.  And his decision will depend on his past history of alcohol in his life - upbringing, looseness with its use at home when he was growing up; etc.    Your husband is the only one who can say whether he is an alcoholic or whether he is abusing the substance.  But, he has already failed one test - he has been confronted by a loved one and failed to seriously consider the possibility.  Alcoholics Anonymous has produced pamphlets that he may find helpful to get more information on alcohol.  These are easily obtained from any group of AA or from what we call Central Offices in many cities.  Their numbers will be listed in either the white or the yellow pages of your phone book.  I venture to guess these are probably available on the internet but nothing is better than a small booklet in one's hand when ready to seriously ask the question - "Am I having a problem with alcohol?"

      If possible, ask him to simply respect your concern and get these publications and openly discuss them with you.  If he will be honest with himself and sit down and talk about his alcohol use with you, this will alleviate your worry and concern.

      My guess is that he will not want to do this as he is probably scared himself that he has crossed the line and now is abusing what used to be a privilege with a God-given substance.  Some people can take a drink or two with impunity but many people can't.

     Hope this helps and write again if you have more questions or want to share your feelings.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde