Expert: Rebos - 5/23/2006

Question
I know that my husband has a problem with alcohol and he thinks it might be a problem but he just can t see his life without alcohol. He keeps saying some day he ll stop. (he hasn t gone more then 7 days sober since we got married) He is an  Irish construction worker  so he thinks that it s normal to go for a few drinks after work.  The problem is that he goes for 5-6 hours 3-4 days a week.  I don t know what to do.  He has no family here so they can t help me.  They think that it s not a problem if he has a  few drinks  They think that he s fine becasue financially we are doing very well.  He owns his own business so he has no one to answer to.  He thinks it s not a problem because he always goes to work and works 6 days a week.  I stopped saving his dinner, making excuses for him  or picking him up years ago. So know he calls a cab and goes through the drive thru on the way home.  I m worried for his health and I m worried for my kids. My 5y/o doesn t even ask where his dad is anymore.  He just doesn t expect him home.  But my 3 y/o gets really upset looking for his dad, waiting for him to come home, wanting to call him and I don t know what to do.  They already know that  Daddy s drinking . I m afraid for their future.  I can t have playdates at the house in the evening because I don t know if or in what condition he is going to come home in. I have an appointment for him to see our doctor this week and I m going to write the doctor a note with my concerns and see if he can have an impact on him. I just don t know what to do anymore.  What do I say to my kids?  How do I raise them and keep this from happening to them?

Answer
Good morning Beth:

Thank you for your question. Unfortunately, there is no “good fairy” that will come down, tap your husband on the shoulder and make him “all better”.  It just doesn’t work that way!

It is said that alcoholism is a disease of denial and it is apparent that your husband is in denial about what his is doing to him. Alcoholism is cunning, baffling, insidious and powerful. It has no cure…once an alcoholic always an alcoholic! So to speak “once you make a cucumber into a pickle, you can never change it back to a cucumber”. The good news is that there is recovery from the disease and it is accomplished “just one day at a time.” In all my years I have never seen an alcoholic recover on their own willpower. No one can scare an alcoholic into stop drinking. All the cajoling, hand-wringing, threatening and begging in the world will not get them to stop doing what they cannot do on their own. Don't for one second think that your husband does not want to stop drinking… he can't stop when left to his own devices. Don't be fooled into thinking that he will stop drinking just because he says that he will. It's not that he will purposely lie to you… but he will lie to himself because down deep he knows that he can’t stop. As I stated in the beginning of this message alcoholism is cunning, baffling and insidious, and unless the alcoholic enters an in-patient detoxification clinic then enters a program like AA they are destined to die a drunk's death, get involved negatively with the law, or end up in a mental institution and destroy you in the process. I am sorry to be blunt, but I am only stating what you probably already know. Your husband will need some help in getting and staying sober over the long haul. I recommend that he goes to a detox and, afterwards attends AA. He will not be able to do it on his own without the kind help that the detox and AA can provide. AA’s track record is the best of any other program for alcoholism.

With that being said…For your well being I would recommend that you go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with proper information and knowledge of the disease and its implications, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do! Social drinkers don’t have to hide their bottles, lie about their drinking, or find excuses to continue drinking.

It is generally believed (by those in the field) that alcoholism is a three-fold disease… Mental… Physical… and Spiritual. The “mental part” deals with the thought that precedes the first drink...thinking about the drink in between the drinks…a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. The “physical part” is that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over and the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them. And last but not least, the “spiritual part” of the illness. Not spiritual in a religious way, but in the loss of values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as his drinking continues. Stopping drinking, for an alcoholic, is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before an alcoholic has to drink again. For an alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing to beer or wine, or even switching to the near beer with .05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or mind-altering substances (drugs).

Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet! The following is what the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggests when dealing with an alcoholic.
Getting an alcoholic into treatment can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact. Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Any verbal or physical abuse by him of you or the children should not be tolerated at all. If this is so a restraining order against him would be in order to remove him from the house. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. If an enabler has no special knowledge or training in the field of alcoholism and try to help, your husband can sense your ineptness and weakness and continue on drinking because he knows that he will be forgiven again and again. I hope that you do not turn into such a person.
I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If you allow your husband to continue drinking, he doesn’t turn himself in to a detox clinic, and then that he continue to faithfully go to AA EVERY DAY after his detoxification is over, then you are setting yourself and your children up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life. Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking, BUT whatever you do, don’t make any threats  to him that you are not willing to follow through on.

I don’t know if I have helped you with my answer. I would recommend strongly that you go to Alanon. There is no question in my mind that Alanon will be able to help you with the questions that you have asked me about your children. The children will for sure be affected in having a drunk for a father. It may eventually help him to do something for himself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Whatever your decision that you make give it a chance to work. If you decide to go to Alanon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work! DON”T MAKE ANY THREAT TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON!

In closing, I hope that you do not disregard my suggestion for you to attend Alanon meetings. And I hope that I have not taken too many liberties with you in my response to your question. If I can be of further help feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos