Expert: Rebos - 11/26/2006

Question
My husband of almost 3 years claims that only liquor causes his outrageous behavior when drinking.  I have given him the choice this past week of attending AA or I am leaving, and although he is currently at an AA meeting he is very upset about me making him go since he says it is only when he drinks liquor, not beer that he gets "crazy," and I have to admit that is true. I am wondering if there is any proof out there about this.  I have answered your 12 questions and he is close to 4 or 5 being truthful.  He wants to just stop drinking liquor and see how it goes, but I can not stand another night like the one I most recently experienced.  I will admit I too have gone over the "edge" recently, but that was only after I found out some lies he had been telling me(not about drinking), and then I decided to drink and that as a mistake.  I have not done that before, but it makes it hard to be judgemental about this without my incident being thrown in my face.  Help me- is there any proof of a hard liquor induced alocoholic?  Thanks  

Answer
Good afternoon Anne

Thank you for your question. I hope that my answer will help you.

First; if your husband has to think about controlling his drinking the he has already lost control. Social drinkers do not have to think about controlling their drinking!

Second; if your husband drinks a lot of beer he drinks a lot of alcohol. There is the SAME AMOUNT of alcohol in such standard drinks as one 12-ounce glass of beer, one 4-ounce glass of wine, and 1.25 ounces of 80-proof liquor. So if your husband drinks 6 twelve ounce cans of beer then he might as well have drunk 7-1/2 ounces of 80 proof hard liquor. Almost a half pint! Alcohol is alcohol in no matter what he drinks. So remember it’s the alcohol that is getting him drunk and that a can of beer is the same as him drinking 1 ¼ ounces of 80 proof booze. The alcohol doesn’t have a brain to say that I am different than hard liquor, so your husband whether he believes it or not is drinking ALCOHOL!

IF DRINKING CAUSES PROBLEMS THEN IT IS A PROBLEM! If he wasn’t addicted he SHOULD be more than pleased to stop drinking because of what it is doing to your marriage. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to see that your husband’s drinking has caused him many problems. His track record proves it!

You do realize that not everyone recovers from this dreaded disease, and your husband appears to be one of those types that can not and will not get honest about their alcoholism. There are some of those poor souls that their bottom is as low as they can go…plus 6 feet! Your husband appears to be one of those who cannot be honest enough about their alcoholism to want to get help and recover from it. Unfortunately, there is no “good fairy” that will come down, tap your husband on the shoulder and make him “all better”.  It just doesn’t work that way! As a matter of fact until your husband goes to AA with a better attitude he will get nothing out of little out of going until he is sick and tired of being sick and tired of what alcohol is doing to him. AA probably won’t help him until he starts going there for himself and not for you.

You have to learn and believe that you are totally powerless over your husband’s drinking, it is not your fault that he drinks and that you, his doctor or even AA or the detox can help him if he does not have a desire to stop drinking. I would recommend that you go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in your life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with proper information of the disease, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible and accountable for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. It is very common for an alcoholic to lie about their drinking. They will lie at the drop of a hat to protect their right to drink. That is what alcoholics do! You can be sure that if he does nothing about his drinking that your life will get worse as time goes by.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as “white knuckle sobriety”. It isn’t very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. FOR THE ALCOHOLIC THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS CUTTING DOWN, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer” with 0.05% alcohol. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor understands that he/she is dealing with an addicted person.

I can’t advise you as what to do, but I will say this…If your husband is allowed to continue drinking, and doesn’t continue to faithfully go to AA EVERY DAY, you are setting yourself up to living a miserable, unhappy and abusive life.  Alcoholism never gets better…it only gets worse. In any case you have to be strong and insist that he does something about stopping drinking, BUT whatever you do, don’t make any threats to him that you are not willing to follow through on.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. If I can be of further assistance please contact me again. I would be interested in the progress that you make. Thank you Rebos