Expert: Rebos - 5/6/2007

Question
My is a real estate agent (and she's close to 45 days recovering). To be successful in her biz, she generally MUST listen. With me, she'll enter the room, ask a question, and, as I (Al-anon mbr) am giving my answer, she will wordlessly turn and leave the room. When I get angry from the frustration of trying unsuccessfully to be heard, all she can say is, "I don't like it when you get angry." She refuses to acknowledge the SOURCE of my irritation/anger.  If I try to bring it up at a later time, she will find an excuse NOT to discuss what's bugging me! ARGH!! And, to perfectly frame a discussion of self-centeredness: when SHE has something to say--- it is quite likely to be a MAJOR earful!!

She filed eviction papers on me yesterday, but today tells me she loves me SO much, but wishes I wouldn't get angry. I'd have nothing to be angry at if she'd let me finish a sentence. If it weren't so sad, I might laugh.

A) Is this a phase that is common to recovery?
B) Since I can't do anything about it, I am going to accept it and move on.  But I have to wonder if there are some suggested approaches for dealing with this, to help her listen or to help me tolerate this disrespect?  

Answer
Good morning Don:

Thank you for your question. Since you are a member of Al-Anon I assume that you have spoken to your Al-Anon Sponsor about your situation.

Never the less, I will pass on some information for you to consider. With your girlfriend only 45 days into her recovery (which I assume is AA) she may not yet be capable of listening plus she may have forgotten the social graces of listening when someone is responding to her during a conversation. Concerning her work, we always have our guard up at work, and try not to offend anyone because our lively hood depends on keeping our jobs, however, when we are away from work we tend to relax. So, I would not make a comparison as to what she does at making her living. Due to her abuse of alcohol she may not yet be able to control her impatience. I don’t know how much her drinking has affected her mentally, but if she had blackouts when she was drinking she may have had some brain damage, which should improve as her sobriety time increases. I would bet that she also has a problem comprehending what she reads. With every new person in recovery there is no telling how long it will take when they are trying to change their lives from being a drunk to a sober human being.

Notwithstanding what I have written above if have been working Al-Anon’s 10th Step you have to ask yourself “What is/was my part in the situation?” You must be very careful not to return to your old habits of nagging, complaining, directing, self-righteousness or whatever your usual pattern happened to be. What you do and what you say can be an influence for better or worse. In working the 12 Steps of your recovery, by the time you have reached your 10th Step you should have developed to a point where you can at once recognize an unkind or negative behavior on your part and correct it at once. To be perfectly frank with you should be concentrating on your behavior and not your girlfriend’s. You could then be a power of example to her.

You realize that I have only what you have written in your question to go by, and reading only one side of the situation. Therefore, I hesitate to go any further with my answer to you. What I have written is intended to give you some “food for thought”. Thank you Rebos