Expert: Rebos - 4/8/2007

Question
QUESTION: My Husband of 4 1/2 years is an alcoholic. He has been in treatment centers two different times. Both times has gone back to heavy drinking. He suffers blackouts and is verbally abusive. I have been living away from our home for the past 9 months and see him occasionally.  Each time the drinking seems to be getting worse.  We don't have children living at home and I don't won't to go back until he gets help. Any advice?
ANSWER: Good afternoon Terry:

Thank you for your question. However, how long do you intend to wait for him to sober up?  If he doesn’t get some kind of help (like Alcoholics Anonymous) then the prospect of him getting sober on his own willpower is very slim, if not impossible. You haven’t indicated whether or not your husband attended any “after detox treatment program”. I would guess that he didn’t or if he did it was because someone else wanted him to go.

If you are settled in where you have been for the last 9 months it would be insane for you to go back to him before he is sober in a recovery program for at least 1 year. If you do go back to him especially if he continues to drink then in a backhanded way you will be rewarding him for his unacceptable behavior. Also, never make any threat to him unless you are 100% willing to follow through with it.

If you intend to stay married to this man; then you might want to try Al-Anon meetings. In any case for your well being I would recommend that you do go to Alanon. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to help him (if you choose to) by first learning to help yourself. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Al-Anon is where you will get better. What you need is to listen to others who are or have been in a similar situation that you are in now and have found an answer to their problem. I guarantee that if you attend Al-Anon regularly, and work on your self…you will get better. That’s not to say that your husband will get better because you go to Al-Anon, but you will learn how to detach from his illness with love and learn to hate the disease and not its victim. You have to give Al-Anon a chance to work for you…there are no quick fixes to your problem.

If you have any specific questions resulting from my answer feel free to contact me again thru Allexperts. Thank you Rebos.





---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you so much for your help, you have told me things that I have known for a long time but now am willing to get the help to fix the problems it has created in my life. At this point I do not intend to return home till he is willing to help himself.  The last treatment center he was there for 60 days and did go through the detox program only to return to drinking upon release.  He attended AA for a short time and then quit. I have come to realize through various books and research that there is nothing I can do to help him, he has to do it for himself. I plan to find Al-Anon in my city and attend. Thank you so much

Answer
Good afternoon Terry:

Thank you very much for your follow-up.

It’s great that you intend to go to Al-Anon. Just a word of advice… certainly there is nothing wrong in your researching the subject of alcoholism, but try and put what you believe to be true on the “back burner” so to speak, and listen with an open mind as to what you hear at your meetings. Give your self some time to get settled-in to the meetings. Get yourself some of the women attendees’s telephone numbers and make use of them. Become a part of the program rather than apart from it. After a while find your self an “old timer” who you see that others respect their opinion and ask her to be your temporary sponsor. A sponsor is nothing more than a guide that can help you understand Al-Anon’s program of recovery and just maybe you will feel comfortable enough to confide in her. After a while if you find that you want to ask her to be your permanent sponsor… go for it and ask her. There are no contracts in blood when it comes to changing sponsors.

It’s too bad that your husband did not continue to go to AA. He just wasn’t ready to throw in the towel and surrender. Until your husband hits his bottom then there is little that you can do to help him, but you certainly can help yourself. Unfortunately a bottom can be as low as a person can go… plus six feet! I hope that he experiences that one moment of truth about himself to take action and start to get well. Al-Anon believes that alcoholism is an insidious, progressive, three-fold illness, and that its victim suffers from a mental obsession, a physical compulsion and a spiritual deterioration. It is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that the alcoholic must find out in order to get well. It’s too bad that he didn’t stick with AA because they do have the answer for him.

I wish you the very best in your journey towards freedom and peace of mind. I would be very interested on your progress from time to time. I would wish you good luck, but your recovery will have nothing to do with good luck… it will have to do with hard work! Thank you Rebos.