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Addiction to Alcohol/Marriage and a alcoholic husband
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Hello I am back, I have such good days and moving forward and then he calls or comes and picks uphis mail and I am depressed again. I really do love the good guy side of him with out the alcohol. Well what is new is. He is moving out of his brothers house because he says he is not happy there (he is not happy any where) Tonight I did ask him for a hug and he asked why and I told him that I do care for the good side of him. He said that the divorce is the best thing and I agreed with him, told him that I was getting my self-esteem back and he said that he has been drinking alot but has to start saving money and to move on. He said we could be friends and I told him I just want him to be happy. He got his 4th drunk driving ticket and is so far in debt now. But that is not my worry. What I need to know is there still any hope that if I just continue to be nice that some day he will realize that he made a mistake and quit drinking or come back to me? You probably don't know that but could you give me any advice about what is going on in his head. I really think because of the drinking him and his brother are not getting along and that is why he is moving. To a house in town about a block from the bar so he can walk. Any advice. Please. Other wise when I don't see him I have been happy. Thanks
>> What I need to know is there still any hope that if I just continue to be nice that some day he will realize that he made a mistake and quit drinking or come back to me? You probably don't know that but could you give me any advice about what is going on in his head.
Greetings again, Barb.
Some of the best answers you might find for now are in “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. The chapter “To Wives” offers some first-hand accounts of dealing with wayward husbands. Yes, there are some right attitudes and so on you can take for now that can have an impact in the end, but your husband is going to have to come to a point of brokenness before he might seriously consider them.
What is going on in his head? Laying under a morass of frustration, resentment and self-pity, there is a broad mixture of things ultimately related to his ego, fear, pride and spiritual ignorance (depravity) ... and until he might finally admit complete defeat, he will only fruitlessly continue trying to arrange life to suit himself ...
... and is that not at least a bit like what even you are attempting to do?
Reality can seem very ugly at times, yet there is a way to actually live and be okay within it.
Joe
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Answers by Expert:
Joseph Lee O.
Expertise
Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.
Experience
The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken.
Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along.
At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ...
... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.
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