Expert: Rebos - 10/23/2007

Question
I'm 29yrs old and have been married for 11.5yrs to a man who has drank the entire stint.  I'm at my wits ends.  During our marriage we have fought, argued, I've been yelled at, been called almost every name in the book and pushed around.  After every argument, there's always a long, profuse apology.  There's always the promise he'll quit or "slow down" his drinking problem.  It's been a long roller coaster of a marriage.  When he's not drinking he's a good person, but when he is you never know which time he's going to be an a##.  Last year we split up and within 3 days he announced that he was talking to someone else already and within a month they were living together.  He began drinking very heavily along with some other drugs.  Three months later we began talking again and decided to try one more time.  His drinking followed its old pattern where it became worse, and I can no longer offer any more.  I love him, but can't stand by and watch my life slip away.  I don't think there's anything I can do to help, but need to ask to be sure.  We have 2 beautiful children that love him, but I worry about their futures.  What's going to happen when they're older and hit the teenage years?  What will be the next trigger that gives him permission to start drinking again?  I feel guilty for wanting to leave, I know he loves me, but he always chooses the alcohol over me and the children.  We can't even go to town without the "beer cooler".

I suppose I'm asking more for my own support, I truly don't think there's any more that I can do for him or us.

Answer
Good afternoon T and thank you for your question. There is a lot more that you can consider doing for you and the children. You can’t nor will ever be able to control your husband’s drinking unless HE wants to something about getting help. He’s an Alcoholic and he will never change unless HE wants to change.

It’s too bad that you can’t or won’t see the terrible effect that your husband’s drinking is going to have on your children in later years (if not already). When your children get older they are sure to have problems, because of the negative roll model that they have in a father that is not only a drunk, but a wife abuser and probably as close as a parent can come to emotionally abusing his children!  Don’t you realize that as long as you continue to enable him he has no reason to get help for his drinking problem? You as a sober mother have an obligation to PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN AT ALL TIMES! Of course he will pick alcohol over you and the children. Alcoholics cannot love any other thing than their alcohol. Alcoholics aren’t capable of being husbands, fathers, friends, lovers, etc. they have “victims” and take “hostages” because they can only love booze!

How can you even think of letting that two-timing drunk back into the house after being with another woman and God only knows what he has brought back to you with him? She was probably smart and threw him out!

If you intend to remain married to this man I recommend that you get to Al-Anon meetings. You may not be able to do anything about your husband’s drinking but you can do something about the problem that has developed in YOUR life by having an alcoholic in it. At Alanon you will find out what you can do to maybe help him by first learning to help yourself. Until you are armed with the right kind of information about the disease, your efforts to help him will be for nothing. Alcoholism is deadly and it destroys everything and everyone who comes into contact with it. Your husband should never be rewarded for his irresponsible actions. He must be held responsible for them. Something must be done to stop his spiral downward. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to go to AlAnon (which I hope you do) remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work and tell him that you are going to meetings, because of the verbal abuse he puts you thru! Alanon also sponsors another self help group called Alateen for the children of alcoholics.

If you decide to leave him I see no reason for you and the children to be the ones to leave the house. Get a restraining order against him for his drunkenness and physical abuse. Only after he enters a detoxification clinic and is sober in Alcoholics Anonymous for at least one year should you consider (unless you chose not to) letting back into the house. You just might get used to enjoying the peace and quiet. In either case I believe that you should attend Alanon Meetings and your children attend Alateen Meetings during the same time.

I realize that I haven’t solved your problem, but there are options available to you. If I can be of any further help to you please feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos