Expert: Rebos - 11/1/2006

Question
Hi,
I am married to a man who is an alcoholic, he will tell you he is (thinks its funny almost) - he was in rehab for drugs and alcohol previously (before I met him - 6 yrs ago?).  when i met him 4 years ago he was drinking - we both were, going out all the time having fun.  We got married 3 years ago and now have 2 children.  His drinking has increased ALOT since then.  It is embarrassing now, he wants to go everywhere and do everything with me and loves  me so much, yet he cant do any of it without a drink (even trick or treating with our 2 year old!) He says he is a bigger ass when he is not drinking.  And over the past 6 months whenver he drinks he gets mean - towards me and the children, throwing htings yelling at us.  I just dont know what to do, I cant find a sober momemt to talk to him, so i wrote him a letter which bascially said I was scared of him and wanted to make a change in my life - which he read part of he says and the only response he could give was I am not going to stop drinking.  Emotionally I am drained one minute he calls me a bitch the next I am his love! and I cant do it anymore or have my childred grow up like this... i want him to get help.. on the few sober days he may have a month things are great! but he is now out of control but he will never go out - work and home to drink, says I should be greatful he is not out there drinkign and driving.  Is there anyway he will see what he is doing to us? his parents were both alcoholics, as was my dad.  People say once an alcoholic always one, and then there are the cases of people who are clean forever one day at a time!! I am just not sure what hope there is for him to recover from this, as he has done it before but prefers drinking ot everything now!  Any insight or ideas?  

Answer
Good morning 1

Thank you for your question.

You should not allow your husband to either mentally or physically abuse you. You should have him arrested and removed from your home, with a restraining order. There is no telling what he might do to you and the children when he is drunk. Speaking of the children…the longer that they are exposed to a drunken father the better the chances are that they will follow in their father’s footsteps. You say that he loves you very much…I doubt that! He loves his alcohol more than he loves you and the children, or he would get help for his drinking problem. You wrote that you can’t get a sober moment to be able to talk to him. He would not listen to you if he was sober. Alcoholics are more interested in their next drink than what a spouse or friend has to say.

There a number of choices that you have: 1. That you are fed up enough, no longer love him, and want a divorce. In this instance get your self a good divorce attorney and file for divorce. 2. You are willing to separate until he gets help for his drinking problem. In this instance go to your local police department and get a restraining order so that he can no longer enter your home or see the children because of his verbal abuse, and physical abuse. If this is your choice you should not allow him back into the home until he is sober in a program like Alcoholics Anonymous for at least one year. This choice will send him a message that may help to raise his bottom. NEVER MAKE ANY THREATS TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THRU ON! You do (I hope) realize that he will have to hit his bottom before he does anything about stopping drinking. 3. You could have an intervention with friends and family in attendance. If this is your choice please be sure to engage a professional therapist who has had lots of experience with interventions for alcoholism. 4. If none of the above fit your circumstances you could start to attend Al-Anon meetings. If you don’t know what these meetings are about please let me know in a follow up question. 4. If you don’t want to break up the marriage and he will enter a detoxification clinic…then goes to AA, while you go to Al-Anon is another option. 5. Lastly, you can do nothing and be miserable and battered for the rest of your life, hate him more and more with each passing day, and end up having disturbed, confused and potentially addictive children.  Alcoholism never gets better on its own it always gets worse. If your choice is to do nothing you and the children haven’t seen anything yet. Alcoholics have victims and take hostages. They are too self-centered to have wives, children, lovers, partners or any normal relationships. The alcohol and their addiction won’t let them.

I know that I haven’t solved any of your problems, but I have tried to list some of the options that you have. There may be more options depending on your circumstances, but I don’t know you well enough to go any further. I wish you the very best and if you chose feel free to contact me again. Thank you, Rebos