Expert: Clyde - 11/8/2007

Question
QUESTION: I recently met a  man who seems to be a great guy and  have everything together except the fact that he is a recovering alcoholic. He has been sober for 4 years. I don't know anything about the addiction except it can turn people into violent and destructive which is very scary to me. My goal (and his) is to eventually be married and have children. It scares me to think that I   could be happily married and then all of a sudden he re-lapses and it's all over.Help!  I know I could be being judgmental but I know this is a HUGE deal and I want to make a decision now before any real feelings are involved.

ANSWER: Kinnik,
   Thank you for your question and wow! you met one of us sober!  That is great.

   However, I do appreciate your being scared and quizzical about what sobriety means.  I have some suggestions you might consider.

    An alcoholic will always be an alcoholic.  That really just means that when we get a grip on its destructive nature we stay away from it for good.  Why would anyone get involved in something that is bad for them? Right?  We learn that alcohol has taken over our lives because it is a "mental obsession and an allergy of the body."  That means that it did something for us (which we thought was good but wasn't) in our minds and it triggered physiological cravings for the substance - hence the physical and mental addiction.  I am convinced it is the physical that has the greatest hold on us as in all substance addiction (nicotine, etc).

    Here is some things to look for:

1.) IF he got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous, does he still attend meetings and does he have a sponsor?  This is critical to continued recovery.  We didn't get sober on our own (most people) and it was the result of some hard work on our part through the graces of others who were willing to share with us their story.  We need to have someone with whom we can be accountable about our thinking.  If your friend did get sober on his own, then I would be somewhat skeptical of the true recovery but I am not to judge another person.  The key here is did this person make a solid permanent change in their behaviors once they became sober?  Miracles are real and we can't discount the work of the Holy Spirit in making these things happen.

2.)   Is this person secretive?  Do you get a feeling that something is not quite right?  If so, some questions need to be posed as to why this is evident.  An alcoholic can fool others at the same time they are fooling themselves.  Without someone who understands the way we think, we can get ourselves into some "stinking thinking' as we call it. Thus we need someone with whom we can share honestly.  That could be you but more than likely it will be someone who understands addiction.

3.)   How has this person handled disappointment or troubles?  How has this person faced crises?  The answer to these two questions will give you an idea of how much maturity they have achieved through life's ups and downs.  Most alcoholics (who began drinking at an early age and drank for many years) did not mature mentally and emotionally as alcohol stunts the process of maturity.  It takes many years and much hard work to counter poor reactions learned through not accepting life on life's terms. So, if he is balanced in adversity and poised in troubles then perhaps he has matured to a point that he will be solid person with whom to spend the rest of your life.

4.)  An alcoholic had better not promise never to drink again, in my opinion.  That is a sure sign that a lie may be awaiting you. I say this about myself: I say I do not plan on drinking TODAY and I don't anticipate drinking tomorrow based on my spiritual condition today. If I remain open and honest and willing to practice good sound behaviors today I probably will make it til midnight but who knows what might enter my life in the next hour.  We just don't know.

  I hope some of this has been helpful.  It really depends on a lot of things as to whether this fellow is a sound and sober individual.  

   Don't hesitate to write again if you have more questions about addictions or alcohol or behaviors.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: He does still attend his AA meetings. Is this something that goes on indefinitely? And the good thing is he has been very up front in addressing this issue which I appreciate. Some of the other things you addressed will take some time for me to see how it develops (How he handles adversity etc) I do know that he recently found out that he has a 5 yr old daughter and he embraced the situation with open arms and loves her dearly. Whatever that's worth.

Answer
Kinnik,
  Thank you for the immediate response.  It is very encouraging that he still attends AA meetings.  You asked if this is something that continues indefinitely?  - well, yes, it is a way of life for recovering people.

    As you continue to expand your knowledge of your friend (which we will continue to do til we die), you will discover more and more of how his addictive behaviors were developed and how he is changing as he discovers more about himself.  It is a life-long process.

    It is my opinion, having been an active alcoholic and a sober pastor, that the AA way of life is really the way God intended life to be in the first place.  I know of nowhere else that people gather to be mindful of God's will in their own lives and where they may be part of the lives of others in a more dynamic and open way.  AA affords us recovery and we keep going back to continue good things for ourselves.  But more importantly, after we have been sober a while we learn that we want to "give something back to the alcoholic who still suffers."  Imagine the newcomer who is hurting and cannot stop drinking finding no one who will "carry the message" that there is a way out of the insanity of alcoholism.

    It is the giving back that many non-alcoholic spouses resent but it is because they do not understand the throes of alcoholism and how we want to help others find sobriety.  I do not know how active your friend may be in AA but if he embraces the program it is a vital part   of his life.  It is something you will need to wrestle with and decide if you can embrace that ministry he will want to do until he dies.  It does not mean he values you less because he spends time with AA's; it means he loves you more in the long run.

   As he encounters the things life throws at him you will appreciate that he has AA's with whom to share the struggles they may present.

   Keep in touch and always ask questions when they arise.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde