Expert: Rebos - 6/7/2006

Question
My husband has officially given me his cry for help. He is emotionally at rock bottom and is miserable (admittedly so). He has also admitted to me that his does indeed have an alcohol addiction problem. I was very surprised for him to admit it because I had not confronted him at all. Yea! The first step!

He has said that he wants help. BUT...in addition, his words to me are, "I don't want to change," and "I don't know what to do next," and "I don't want therapy, medication or prayer."

I hate the word "enabler" because I am a classic one, and it makes me feel like part of this is my fault for helping him get to this point.

I am truly the only one he will turn to right now, but I don't have the tools to help him.

Are his only choices to stop cold turkey and start attending AA or to go into an in-patient facility?

Is my only choice to bring the bottom to him like I've read so many times? I'm certainly not going to kick him out of the house or anything.

And, how can someone be supportive and refuse to be an enabler all at the same time?

By the way, both of his grandfathers were alcoholics.

Sorry for so many questions wrapped up into this one email.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR A REPLY.

Answer
Good afternoon LF:

Thank you for your questions. I hope that my answers will help you.

First off…Your husband has not yet hit his bottom! If he is going to approach his recovery only on his terms, when he says that he wants no therapy, medication, prayer or just won’t “change” then he has not hit his bottom as you may believe he has. It may be closer to the truth that “he wants you to believe that he has.” But he hasn’t! His best thinking has gotten him into the situation that he is in now, so why should you think that he has the answers for his recovery. If a person has a terminal disease and they turn their backs on the solution and method of recovery, then they are not yet ready to recognize that their recovery is based upon “yagottawanna” get well no matter what one has to do to get well.

Depending on your husband’s physical (and maybe mental) condition he may or may not need to be detoxified under the care of a medical professional’s observation. There is always the possibility that an alcoholic going thru withdrawals may experience seizures, heart attack or stroke. A fringe benefit of your husband going into a detox clinic is that he will get some counseling, which may make him more receptive to accepting the fact that he must change to get well. Alcoholism is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem. If that problem is not faced up to then recovery is questionable at best!

AA only works for people that want it, and not those who need it but don’t want it. It’s going to be a lot of hard work for him (and you) to change.

No, you don’t have to kick him out of the house, unless he becomes or is mentally or physically abusive to you.

I strongly suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. That is where you will learn how to be supportive and not be an enabler. Alanon can be reached by calling: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). Whatever decision you make give it a chance to work. If you decide to go to AlAnon remember that dirty four letter word TIME. Give it time to work! DON”T MAKE ANY THREAT TO HIM THAT YOU ARE NOT PREPARED TO FOLLOW THROUGH ON!

In closing, I hope that you do not disregard my suggestion for you to attend Alanon meetings. And I hope that I have not taken too many liberties with you in my response to your questions. If I can be of further help feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos