Expert: Rebos - 2/17/2004

Question
Dear Rebos,

An old boyfriend of mine recently surfaced. He's a terrific guy, nice, talented, handsome and very spiritual but very much an active alcoholic. I have known him for 10 years and have loved him pretty much the entire time. When he returned to my life he was filled with remorse and admitted to me that he is an alcoholic and needs help. The thing is, he hasn't gotten it yet. We spent hours talking about his problem --- but now, I feel like I'm just enabling him. He's still drinking and not getting help. To add to his problems , he recently rented a home with some friends (to save money) – these people are much younger and also heavy beer drinkers which does not help his problem at all.

He's really trying to make this relationship work but I feel as though no matter what he does, we ultimately can't survive his drinking problem. He's not a mean person, although he does go through the Jeckle & Hyde syndrome you referenced in one of your other messages. Sometimes he'll say mean things but so far when he's done that, I'm able to call him on it and he stops. But this might not always be the case.

I'd walk away, but the sad part is, given the haze he operates from I don't know if it would really make a difference. If I went head to head with his drinking, I fear I'd lose. I feel as though I could make a bigger impact on his problem if I stayed in his life - the thing is, I don't know what I need to do to make that difference as opposed to just sticking around and enabling his problem.

Any advice you can give would be appreciated.

Thank you,

Penny


Answer
Good evening Penny:

Thank you for your question. I'll try my best to give you an answer that may help you.

I am not too sure if I remember all the details of your last question and my response, so if I repeat my self you will have to bear with me.

Alcoholics do not have girl friends, they don't have lovers, and they don't have wives or children. What they do have are hostages! No alcoholic who continues to drink while admitting that he/she has a problem with alcohol is bad news. If you are ready to give up your precious life for a drunk who does nothing about his/her problem then you are in your own way sicker than he is. An alcoholic who continues to drink in the face of knowingly destroying people who he is supposed to love, cares more for his booze than he does his own life. And if he does not care about his own life then he is not capable of caring for others.

I know that you are not ready for this… but I would suggest that you give him an ultimatum that either goes to AA or takes a hike. BUT, before you do make sure that you really mean it! Never make a threat that you don't plan to carry through, because if you don't follow through he then owns you, because he knows that you are a weakling and his prey to do with what ever he wants to.

No, I don't believe that you should stay with him. In fact I would tell him in no uncertain terms that you don't want to hear from him again until he is sober in AA for one full year. And mean it! If necessary to keep him away you may have to get a restraining order from the courts to keep him from contacting you.

In the meantime if he does follow through you can spend your time at going to Alanon, where you can find help for your self, because you do have an alcoholic in your life. I guarantee you that if you do go it will help you to understand what you are up against. Even if he does get sober and stays sober for the rest of his life…you should continue going to Alanon if your relationship with him goes any place. You may find out who YOU really are.  

Remember that Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that he has, and until he finds out what that is he will go no place in his search for a lasting and peaceful sober life. I cannot stress upon you strongly enough, if you stay with him and he makes no effort to change his life, you will be heading into the jaws of a miserable life. Drinking alcoholic parents also destroy their children's lives too. I could go into depth telling you what you will be faced with if you stay with him under the present conditions, but I think you get the point that I am trying to make. Just think with your head for a change and not that soft heart of yours.

I hope that I have not hurt your feelings and I hope that if you have any further questions that you will feel free to contact me again. Thank you Rebos