Expert: Clyde - 12/26/2007

Question
QUESTION: I have asked you a question before, Clyde and you were very helpful and I thank you.  Here's a new one.  Now after dealing with this disease for 1 1/2 years, I'm  finally breaking the ties of monotony with my alcoholic boyfriend.  I've had it with the lies.  A couple weeks ago I found a bottle in my basement hidden under my son's tent.  When asked about it he lied and said it must have been his friend's.  Meanwhile his friend has never been at my home before ever.  So. . .I didn't see him for a week.  Then after that week, I invited him over and on his way to my house he began lying about a phone call he and his ex-wife had.  It was only 13 seconds and the actually phone call wasn't the point.  It was the lie that was the point.  I looked at his phone and it was received.  He insisted that he didn't receive the call and that the phone was wrong!  He actually tried to argue with a phone!  He did admit to lying later, of course it was my fault because he didn't want me to be mad he talked to his ex-wife.  So . . .another few days goes by.  When I talked with him again he blatantly lied about what he did one Sunday morning.  It was very odd.  He kept adding things and changing things around.  His lies are SO transparent now.  Like he's trying SO hard.  I believe he's drinking (vodka) every day all day now.  He was at my house for about 3 hours one day, came in not shaking - left and he was starting to shake.  He made up an excuse of not wanting the police to pull him over since his truck was not inspected.

I don't know if I'm getting "better" or if he's getting worse at lying.  I've been sober for a year.  He's INSISTING that he's not drinking, that he's been sober for 13 days and that things are getting better for him since he now got his truck inspected (was due in Oct. 2007) and may be getting a job at the beginning of the year. He "says" he's been going to meetings.  He "says" he has a sponsor.  (Did I happen to mention he lives in his truck now?)  My question is:  What is with the lying?  My thoughts are if he's drinking, he's lying; if he's lying, he's drinking.  Or is it that he's so used to lying (probably an alcoholic for more than 20 years) that he doesn't even know what the truth is?  If, in fact, he ever gets sober would the lying stop?  Not to mention, if he has a sponsor and he is getting help, attending meetings, and working the steps I believe that his attitude would change.  He would have a better outlook on life, right?  Instead of saying, "Everyone else's prayers get answered instead of mine.  I hear them say it all the time in meetings."  

He tries to create this drama.  It doesn't work anymore.

ANSWER: Irene,
    Thank you for your questions and for the explanation of the situation.

    Congratulations on your sobriety!  It should give you a good basis for evaluating his sobriety (or lack of it).  What you are observing and describing is indeed an alcoholic whose life is dependent on the drink.  He is not aware of his behavior because he knows no other way to live.  20 years of drinking will acculturate any alcoholic into the insanity of doing the same thing and expecting different results.  He is not aware of the lying and certainly not morally conscious that it is wrong.

      He is not able to give up his best friend - alcohol.  It has him hooked and it is a vicious demon to defeat.  You probably know that from your own walk in the alcoholic life.

      I agree, if he were going to meetings, had a sponsor, and was making a real effort his behavior would begin to change at least noticeably.

      I have a sponsee who has ben trying to get sober for months now.  He is desperately afraid that he will lose his family.  After his wife left Christmas day to visit her folks he decided to go get a case of beer "to feel better."  He called today telling me he is thinking about checking into a treatment facility.  He is looking for one that is "upscale" since he is a man of means and can't see going to a place where there are low bottom drunks.  I told him if he was serious he would check into a facility I suggested only an hour from here but since they have community sleeping and bath facilities it isn't "upscale."  He will probably have to lose the wife and family before he is desperate enough to "go to any lengths to stay sober."

     Hope this might help and the best to you in your sobriety.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I forgot to mention that his ex-wife is enabling by letting him in her home while she is at work.  Therefore, making him "think" he is on top of things.  They have a 2 year old together.  She also lets him come in and visit the son on a schedule.  So he gets that little "normalcy" of being in a home, showering, working on things and checking to see if there are things in the fridge and all that stuff.  He has this mentality that he is a "special drunk".  Sort of like your sponsee.  He can handle it.  He had a DUI, but a long time ago.  He works in the antique business barely making any money except enough to pay his ex and buy his bottle.  He isn't taking the "gift" that God is giving him in having him lose little things like almost everything, but not yet getting into legal trouble.  He's never really had any serious consequences to his drinking.  He left his wives, not vice versa.  I'm trying to change that.

As to his lying, he is dead pan, looking into my eyes lying.  It's uncanny as to how he can lie.  He now contradicts himself, but looks right at you.

If he was actually working with a sponsor, he would not be so dependent upon others, right?  He would do what he had to do for himself, right?  There would be no reason to lie if he was sober, right?  

I'm sorry if I'm rambling.  I'm trying to keep this anger because it helps.  I have attended meetings, went to visit at rehab, bought all the books, READ all the books, lectured, forgave, forgot, dumped bottles, I'm tired.  I have come to realize that this is the path he wants to take.  HIM ALONE.  I did not tell him to bring the bottle in my home.  I'm sad, though, because I think it's going to take death to get him to stop.  He has lost all his family and friends.  No one talks to him now.  As soon as friends get close and realize what's going on he bails or they bail.  What a sad existence.  I know it's said that there is always hope, but I'm losing it, slowly.  I'm just taking "one day at a time".

Answer
Irene,
     The extra information is helpful.  The fact that he does have a place to eat and clean up does make for enabling.  He is fortunate (or not) that the ex lets him has access to her home.

     Just because he is going to meetings and has a sponsor does not mean that he will be on the straight and narrow. I have had many sponsees who simply could not be honest with themselves about their drinking. They are always welcome to call but I limit my interaction unless they remain sober.

      You are on the right track and I hope you maintain your position.  You had mentioned earlier about letting him in you home.  I might suggest that you part ways with him now and deal with the grief work now.  You'll need to work through the emotions but a relationship with an active alcoholic is not worth the pain and anxiety. It is tough to watch them self-destruct.

      In the long run you will be doing both of you the most good.

Grace and Peace,

Clyde