Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 6/28/2007

Question
My partner has always been secretive about much of his life and will not live with me and I love him very much. I often feel neglected and he is not very intimate with me, anymore. I suffer from diabetes and feel that impotence is an element of this but he just does not want to hug or kiss or have much to do with me physically. We do not live together, as I would very much love to, and he consumes at least a single 750ml bottle of red wine each night and usually two on weekend nights.  He sits away from me and I feel very alone in his presence at times and as the night progresses he seems more numbed to my feelings and can get very uncaring.  Can you give me sources or discuss the self-involvement issues of alcoholism.  He has a PhD and is very professionally motivated but has to have his nightly dose of alcohol and it is far more important than spending quality time with me. I have come to be a bit confrontational with him over his priority for the Merlot and he admits he is an alcoholic but says he likes the way it makes him feel. Can you discuss self-involvement issues of alcoholics or give me source references?  I love him very much and know he loves me but not as much as his drink nd am becoming exasperated and feel like I enable it by not confronting it head on or just telling him I cannot handle it anymore.  I do believe some of it is related to youth issues of his and care very much about him, but it is driving me crazy. I admit some co-dependence and am afraid that if I do what I should, and try to force the issue, he will just give up the thing he needs less....me.  I have suggested mutual therapy, but he has steadfastly refused.  He is accomplished in his field and has the discipline to "not let it affect" his work, but it seems to have totally dominated his personal time away from work. I feel very ignored and controlled and I need to take some control of either my life or his to survive this.  I fear that my personal therapy will force me to leave him if I cannot accept his addiction as being beyond my control and hope to find a way to show my love for him but have him find more priority for me in his life.  Can you tell me the ways alcohol affects priority and why he seems so unemotional.  Is his lack of ability to "FEEL" a result of alcoholism or another issue entirely? Does he drink so that he will not feel or is that another issue entirely.  He will not cry, he has a tough time appologizing for things he does to hurt me and is, otherwise, such an intelligent and cerebral man. How do I deal with him? How do I get him to deal with himself? What do I do to become more important in his life. I do feel loved, but I also feel ignored.  He has very few close friends and accuses me of being too open when I am just not ashamed of myself or my flaws and did spend much time hiding what I am from the world. To grow I learned to be expressive and open and that seems very destructive to our relationship. I never discuss my relationship with others because he is so very private and resents my openness.  He is so very very secretive and private.  I can accept whatever the truth is but he will not disclose it so I find myself filling in a lot of blanks and when we have to put too many pieces together we are always wrong. I just need to see into his heart and have him show some of it.  Is alcohol a way of protecting his heart? Dhale1610@aol.com

Answer
Greetings to you, Dave.

You have asked:

>> Can you give me sources or discuss the self-involvement issues of alcoholism.

The book with which I happen to be most familiar is “Alcoholics Anonymous”, wherein the alcoholic is at least loosely described as selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed, self-willed and so on.  Tongue-in-cheek:

Q: How many alcoholics does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One.  S/he holds the bulb and the entire world revolves around him or her.

You have written:

>> ... his nightly dose of alcohol ... is far more important than spending quality time with me.

A seemingly perfect or eventual state of self-centeredness.

>> Can you discuss self-involvement issues of alcoholics or give me source references?

We all have natural instincts – food, shelter, fellowship – and their related desires, hopes and dreams, and alcohol is a great deceiver.  It can at times either bolster the ego or mask insecurity, fear and the like.  It never argues or criticizes, and it is “always there” like the best friend one could ever know.  There are many reasons some people prefer just about anything, including pets, over intimate interactions with other people, but the bottom line is that they believe drinking is either what is best for them or all that is available anyway.

>> I ... feel like I enable it by not confronting it head on or just telling him I cannot handle it anymore.

Softy said, what you are actually “enabling” is your own continued frustration, and to verbalize that frustration to someone who does not really care will only exacerbate it.  A conscience numbed by alcohol or whatever else is seldom moved by emotional appeal, whether passionate or frothy.

>> I admit some co-dependence and am afraid ... he will just give up the thing he needs less....me.

Again softly said, it seems he has already done so.

>> I ... need to take some control of either my life or his to survive this.

Already knowing you cannot control anyone else’s life, you might also consider what control any of us actually has over his own.  Making a bit of a leap here, getting over so-called “co-dependency” – we all truly do need each other – is no different than getting over alcoholism in that an admission of powerlessness and the inability to manage one’s own life successfully is at its beginning.  That is the “narrow gate” – humility – you may have heard someone mention.

>> I fear that my personal therapy will force me to leave him ...

Pain will likely be the ultimate or greatest motivator there.

>> Can you tell me the ways alcohol affects priority and why he seems so unemotional.

As mentioned above, alcohol is his unconditional “friend”, comforter, encouragement and so on.

>> Is his lack of ability to "FEEL" a result of alcoholism or another issue entirely?

Its origin is an internal issue with alcohol shielding the mind from even thinking about it while simultaneously numbing the internal-issue-based emotions.

>> Does he drink so that he will not feel or is that another issue entirely.

As you might see just above, the two are (or at least can be) very finely intertwined.

>> He will not cry, he has a tough time apologizing for things he does to hurt me and is, otherwise, such an intelligent and cerebral man. How do I deal with him?

Treat him just as you would any sick friend.  Even though alcoholism stems from spiritual sickness rather than some physical source, he is no more the specific cause of his own illness or able to heal himself than is a sufferer of cancer or anything else.

>> How do I get him to deal with himself?

You cannot.  Ultimately, only the harsh pains of alcoholic living/dying and reality can motivate an alcoholic, and even then he might still turn away.

>> What do I do to become more important in his life.

Prepare to be helpful to him if he ever decides he wants to get well.

>> He ... accuses me of being too open when I am just not ashamed of myself or my flaws and did spend much time hiding what I am from the world.

It would seem his own shame, flaws and/or insecurities or whatever are too much for him to naturally bear.

>> I just need to see into his heart and have him show some of it.  Is alcohol a way of protecting his heart?

No man can see into the heart of another – only The Creator of all can do that.  What we can occasionally see are manifestations of what is in a man’s heart, with emptiness bearing witness of something other than the good that can only come from above.

Peace to you,

Joseph Lee O.