Expert: Rebos - 1/31/2007

Question
Reading your replies, you seem to highlight the fact that alcoholics have to take some responsibility in managing their own condition and mindstate.  My mother has been a highly volatile alcoholic for almost as long as I can remember, but I came to the realisation that my pleas for her to admit she had a problem, so we could seek help were futile, because it seems to be the only 'coping mechanism' she has.  I firmly believe that without alcohol, she'd feel her life isn't worth living, she drinks herself to sleep every night and (literally) isn't particularly interested in anything else.  I honestly think she wants to die, with this being a Coward's form of suicide - she herself has stated that she will not stop; she mourns for herself and seems to relive her abusive past.  She drinks and wallows in self-pity, rather than actually living her life, I don't and can't understand the appeal ... the problem being it's horrible to watch, she won't talk about her drinking - remaining mute when it's mentioned, I feel resentful, yet the woman has no self-esteem.  Without any confidence she's not able to adapt or change her behaviour anyway, but she also seems to want to prevent herself 'breaking free' from these memories of abuse that are over 40 years old now.  Why is this sense of victimisation and egocentric sadness so apparent, when she's inflicted the very same fate and demonstrated merciless violence herself though - the hypocrisy's just astounding.  Yet, realistically you find you can't actually 'detach' yourself from the situation, or just leave an 'Alcoholic' relative to commence slow-suicide...
...it's sad.

Answer
Good evening Linsey:

Thank you for your question. It is unfortunate that your mother has taken the tack from being the abused to being the abuser. She does not seem to realize the mental abuse that she has been putting her family through for the past forty years. Your mother seems to be one of those poor unfortunates that cannot get honest about her problem drinking and what it has and is doing to her family. She can’t drink her problems away. She doesn’t realize that alcohol is a depressant and the more she drinks the more she will have to drink, because she will become more and more depressed. It’s like putting gasoline on a fire.

If you haven’t already read it on a number of my answers to others … Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. The AMA says that it is. Drinking alcoholically is but “a symptom of a deeper underlying problem” that must be faced up to by her in order for her to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn’t very long before she has to drink again. Does your country or state have any such thing as involuntary commitment to a mental institution? As much as you may cringe at the thought of “putting your mother away” (court ordered) until she gets better and faces up to her “demons” it is a possibility that you should consider. You have to ask yourself the question, “What are you willing to do to save your mother’s life”? I would imagine that your answer would be, “Anything”! It may be her only chance to live a normal life.

In the mean time I would recommend that you attend Al-Anon meetings. For meeting locations, you can call your local Al-Anon chapter by checking your local phone book under "Alcoholism" or calling the following toll-free numbers: 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you choose not to go to Alanon the least you can do is to stop trying to control a situation that is uncontrollable by you.

I am sorry that I cannot be of more help to you. Thank you Rebos.