Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 1/31/2007

Question
My mother has been a highly volatile alcoholic for almost as long as I can remember, but I came to the realisation that my pleas for her to admit she had a problem, so we could seek help were futile, because it seems to be the only 'coping mechanism' she has.  I firmly believe that without alcohol, she'd feel her life isn't worth living, she drinks herself to sleep every night and (literally) isn't particularly interested in anything else.  I honestly think she wants to die, with this being a Coward's form of suicide - she herself has stated that she will not stop; she mourns for herself and seems to relive her abusive past.  She drinks and wallows in self-pity, rather than actually living her life, I don't and can't understand the appeal ... the problem being it's horrible to watch, she won't talk about her drinking - remaining mute when it's mentioned, I feel resentful, yet the woman has no self-esteem.  Without any confidence she's not able to adapt or change her behaviour anyway, but she also seems to want to prevent herself 'breaking free' from these memories of abuse that are over 40 years old now.  Why is this sense of victimisation and egocentric sadness so apparent, when she's inflicted the very same fate and demonstrated merciless violence herself though - the hypocrisy's just astounding.  Yet, realistically you find you can't actually 'detach' yourself from the situation, or just leave an 'Alcoholic' relative to commence slow-suicide...
...it seems sad, is it worth the arguing and pleading, when compliance can't be forced?

Answer
Greetings to you, Lynz.

If you can look past the material nature of this analogy and substitute “aged” for any thought of “antique”, I first offer this as a simple matter of concept:

Think of the challenge of restoring an old painting, chair or anything of value to you.  Its tatters, tears, scratches, gouges and so on would have to be dealt with, but also consider what could have kept it in good condition all along.

Now think of an aged chair or sofa in need of restoration, yet this chair has a cover thrown over it to mask its poor condition, and its owner is content with that cover even though even it is now also quite tattered and even worn through.

You have written:

>> My mother has been a highly volatile alcoholic for almost as long as I can remember ... it seems to be the only 'coping mechanism' she has.

As it was with my own drinking as well as for many, your mother’s drinking is her “cover” pulled over herself.  For herself, her drinking pushes decades of mental, emotional, and maybe even some physical wear-and-tear and frustration back from her conscious thoughts for at least a little while at a time, and it does that even when or though other people find it (her drinking) disgusting.  Understand?

Your mother is in need of restoration, yet she is inclined to hang on to her drinking ... and that tenacity could be there for any of a number of reasons.  However, the one thing she knows for certain is that her comfortable and/or her comforting “cover” she is quite used to, her drinking, is *not* her problem.  Hence, and as you have written:

>> my pleas for her to admit she had a problem ... were futile

In other words, why remove even an ugly cover only to expose deeper wear and tear?

>> I firmly believe that without alcohol, she'd feel her life isn't worth living ...
>> I honestly think she wants to die, with this being a Coward's form of suicide ...
>> she mourns for herself and seems to relive her abusive past.

You are quite correct:

“[She] cannot picture life without alcohol.  Some day [or likely already, she] will be unable to imagine life either with alcohol or without it.  Then [she] will know loneliness such as few do.  [She] will be at the jumping-off place.  [She] will wish for the end.” (“Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book, page 152)

>> She drinks and wallows in self-pity, rather than actually living her life, I don't and can't understand the appeal ...

“Living her life” so far (throughout all of her years) has only ended in pain for herself and for others, and as you have already observed, her drinking is the only “coping mechanism” she presently knows.

>> the problem being it's horrible to watch
>> she won't talk about her drinking - remaining mute when it's mentioned

“... the main problem of the alcoholic centers in his mind, rather than in his body.  If you ask him why he started on that last bender, the chances are he will offer you any one of a hundred alibis.  Sometimes these excuses have a certain plausibility, but none of them really makes sense in the light of the havoc an alcoholic's drinking bout creates.  They sound like the philosophy of the man who, having a headache, beats himself on the head with a hammer so that he can't feel the ache.  If you draw this fallacious reasoning to the attention of an alcoholic, he will laugh it off, or become irritated and refuse to talk.” (page 23)

We could talk about all of that for many hours.

>> I feel resentful, yet the woman has no self-esteem.

Your resentment is a matter of ego and pride, and yes, your mother *does* have self-esteem.  “Self-esteem” is simply one’s esteem of oneself, and that is *always* a matter of quality and *not* of quantity.  Your mother’s esteem of herself might be quite skewed – that is actually the case with almost everyone – but *everybody* has one or another type of self-esteem.

>> Without any confidence she's not able to adapt or change her behaviour ...

Think about this for a moment: Since your mother has already made her very best effort at life and has nevertheless ended up right where she is, what sane reason could she now possibly have for once again believing in herself (or even in anyone else)?

>> but she also seems to want to prevent herself 'breaking free' from these memories of abuse that are over 40 years old now.

Along with her drinking, self-pity can also be quite “comforting” at times.  Yet along with that, I would quickly bet your mother is also seeking some answers.

>> Why is this sense of victimization and egocentric sadness so apparent, when she's inflicted the very same fate and demonstrated merciless violence herself though - the hypocrisy's just astounding.

Yes, and all of that is likely a great part of what still drives her drinking.

>> Yet, realistically you find you can't actually 'detach' yourself from the situation, or just leave an 'Alcoholic' relative to commence slow-suicide...
...it seems sad, is it worth the arguing and pleading, when compliance can't be forced?

No, and as you at least already suspect, the arguing and pleading are worthless.

It will take a *lot* of effort on your part, and there is no guarantee your mother will ever respond.  But, what your mother now needs is to hear in place of anything else is the experience of someone who has already been spiritually reconciled, transformed and restored.  And by that, I am talking about coming to see and understand our pasts, our presents and our futures just as The One who created us already sees them.

Please write as often as you like about anything you wish,

Joseph Lee O.

Email: leejosepho@hotmail.com