Expert: Rebos - 12/9/2007

Question
Hi, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now.  I am 8 months pregnant, and I think he is an alcoholic.  I left him 2 days ago (staying at my moms).  This is not the first time I have left him because of his drinking.  I want us to be a family and I am sure that is what he wants but he is making it impossible for me to stay.  He used to drink everyday, 2-4 beer a day during the week, and get drunk every weekend.  In the summer I left him because I couldnt handle it anymore.  I went back with him because he promised he wouldnt drink anymore.  Then he slowly started drinking a few a day which I didnt have a really big problem with because he wansent drunk and being verbally abusive.  He blacks out when he gets drunk and cant remember the night before.  So he has been doing good then 3 weeks ago I came home after my baby shower and he was really drunk and verbally abusive and wouldnt let me leave the house.  It went on all night, it was horrible and now he cant remember any of it.  So then again, he promised he wouldnt drink again, 2 days ago I had a suspision of his drinking, I dug through the garbage and found a few empty beer cans.  I imedialtly left.  My question is: How many chances can I give him, I cant raise my child in that kind of enviroment.  I am going to tell him he needs to go to AA or I wont go back. He doesnt think he has a problem, so I cant see this happening.  I am so worried about the future.  If he doesnt get help, I cant allow myself to leave by baby son by himself with him, I just wouldnt feel right.  I guess I have a lot of questions?  Thank you, Sara

Answer

Good afternoon Sara and thank you for your question. Under the circumstances you have already given your boyfriend too many chances! Consequently, you have become an “enabler”!

You should NEVER make any threat to him that you are not 100% willing to follow through with! An “enabler” is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior.

If your boyfriend doesn’t get help for his drinking problem and you stay with him (married or not) you are setting your self up for a lifetime of misery and unhappiness. Your son will be greatly affected by his father’s alcoholism in so many ways that you can’t imagine. The child will become just like his father, because of the roll model that alcoholic fathers play in a child’s life. In 38 years of dealing with alcoholics and alcoholism I have NEVER seen a man or woman (if they are alcoholic) stop drinking on their willpower alone. Nor have I ever seen an alcoholic “control their drinking” for the long haul. You have to realize that once a person has to think about controlling their drinking…“they have already lost control”. If on the other hand your boyfriend gets help by attending a program Alcoholics Anonymous AND stays sober in the program for at least ONE YEAR then you get together with him if you still love him at that time. When I say stay sober in a program like AA for a year; that means going to a meeting every day, and getting active in AA’s program of recovery.

If your boyfriend is an alcoholic he HAS TO DRINK! He has no choice in the matter! Of course he will lie to you and tell you that he can beat it on his own, but in reality he will be lying to himself. Alcoholism is a disease of denial. It tells your boyfriend that he is OK if you people would just leave him alone. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of you making the right decision for yourself and your son. You can’t just think of yourself in this matter… you must protect your son (and any future children) under all circumstances!

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you and your son with him.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. It will be natural for you to want to retreat into yourself... so to speak. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over. In the meantime (during the year that your boyfriend is in AA and actively doing something to get his life back in order) I suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control.

By the way if your boyfriend is having blackouts it is affecting his brain. Medically speaking (I’m not a doctor) if your boyfriend keeps drinking and he does nothing about his drinking problem… he will end up with what is called a “wet brain”. The term wet brain refers to a very real condition known as Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. “This chronic brain syndrome is caused by long-term alcoholism and is accompanied by a triad of symptoms: 1) mental disturbance; 2) confusion, drowsiness and paralysis of eye movements; and 3) ataxia or a staggering gait. A primary cause for this is a thiamine (vitamin B1) deficiency due to severe malnutrition and poor intestinal absorption of food and vitamins caused by alcohol. The person with wet brain acts much like the Alzheimer’s victim with loss of recent memory, disorientation with regard to time and place, confusion and confabulation, or telling imagined and untrue experiences as truth. If wet brain is identified in its early onset, an infusion of thiamine (B1) may help. Unfortunately, there is no recovery from Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome. Therefore, it is one of the most tragic consequences of alcoholism”.

Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking. AA is the place where he will find the answer to his drinking. Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. It is my opinion that for the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with a content of only 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

You may think that I have been a bit tough on you with my answer, but alcoholism is a very serious matter. I’ve only told you the truth about what you will face (or a lot worse) if you allow your boyfriend to run your life and he does nothing about his drinking problem. If you just think that your boyfriend is an alcoholic from what you described let me assure you that he is an alcoholic, but for that fact to be meaningful he has to believe that he is in order for him to want to seek help. If drinking causes problems then it is a problem!

I would be pleased to respond to any follow-up questions that you may have. Thank you, Rebos.