Expert: Rebos - 5/26/2002

Question
Dear rebos,

My mother-in-law has been an alcoholic for a long time.  She knows she is one, but doesn't feel the need to get help.  My husband (his mom) says to accept her for who she is and that she will always continue to drink even if you told her what the consequences are. When she visits us she brings her own booze.  It doesn't help that her boyfriend is also an alcoholic.  I don't say anything about it because it's my husband's mom, but I am concerned for her.  I love her dearly and I'm afraid she'll end up dying from cirrohosis of the liver as her own mom did at the age of 60.  I'm looking into Al-Anon for help.

Thank you, Caroline

Answer
Good afternoon Caroline:

Thank you for your question. I will do my best to help you with some information.

First let me say…it is nowhere written, that I know of, that you must accept the unacceptable behavior of your mother-in-law. Her drinking is unacceptable behavior if it bothers you. Especially so if you have any children of your own, you are setting them up with a very poor power of example for them to see their grandmother drinking. They will think “if grandma can drink so can I”. Alcoholism is a family disease that affects everyone in the family. The drunks war cry usually is “I'm not hurting anyone else but myself by my drinking”, little knowing the devastating effect that it has on all members of the family. “Your husband” owes it to her to tell her how much he loves her, BUT that she will no longer be welcome in his home if she (or her boyfriend) has been drinking, tries to carry in alcohol to your house, or intends to drink any of your liquor, beer or other mind altering refreshments (eg .5% near beer like O'Doulls etc) while there. As long as you treat her alcoholism like the story “The King Has No Clothes On” or in other words putting your head in the sand…she pays no consequences for her drinking and will therefore continue to drink until the price of drinking becomes too high. As you know I am not talking about money when I mention the “price” she pays. She must knowingly have to make a decision…my family or a drink. She may indeed choose the drink because she is an alcoholic, but she has to know that there is a price attached to her drinking. You just might help to raise her “bottom” to seek help before she kills herself from drinking. It is very easy for those who are close to an alcoholic to become “enablers”. An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of the alcoholic's actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior.

The most important thing that you can do about your situation is…Go to Alanon meetings. There you will find people who are in the same situation as you and your husband are. You will get all the answers you need by attending their meetings. There is no shame in being an alcoholic or in having a family member an alcoholic. The shame is in doing nothing about it. She may never seek help for herself but you and your husband can get help for yourselves and possible carry the right message to her by what you learn about the disease.

It is generally believed, by many in the field of alcoholism, that it is a three-fold disease. Mental, Physical and Spiritual.

The “mental” part of the illness refers to the mental obsession to drink that precedes the first drink... a pre-occupation with thinking about drinking which is so powerful that the alcoholic must drink. In so many words, thinking about the drink in between the drinks. The alcoholic never seems to worry about the drink in front of them, but they think of the next one. The “physical” aspect of the disease is, that once the first drink is downed a physical compulsion takes over in the form of a deep incessant craving that the alcoholic must continue to drink until some outside incident stops them or they pass out. The “spiritual” part of the illness (not spiritual in a religious way) is in the loss of an alcoholic's values, and a willingness to settle for less and less as the drinking continues. It becomes difficult for the alcoholic to determine the difference between right and wrong or good and bad. The alcoholic develops a change in priorities where drinking becomes more important than health, family, job and friends.

Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. Alcoholism is a disease. Drinking alcoholically is but a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that must be faced up to in order for an alcoholic to recover. Without learning what that problem is, trying to stay away from a drink is known as "white knuckle sobriety", or being on a “dry drunk”. It isn't very long before the alcoholic has to drink again. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down, drinking only on weekends, changing what they drink, or even switching to “near beer”. For the alcoholic nothing will work short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor's prescription as long as the doctor understands that he is dealing with an addicted person. Unfortunately, all alcoholics must hit their own bottom before they do anything about stopping. I am sorry to say that hitting a bottom for some may mean going as low as a person can go...plus six feet!

Trying to get an alcoholic to stop drinking can be a challenging situation. An alcoholic cannot be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as when a violent incident results in police being called or following a medical emergency. This doesn't mean, however, that you have to wait for a crisis to make an impact.

Based on clinical experience, many alcoholism treatment specialists and the US Government recommend the following steps to help an alcoholic accept treatment:

Stop all "rescue missions." Family members and friends often try to protect an alcoholic from the results of their behavior by making excuses to others about their drinking and by getting him out of alcohol-related jams. It is important to stop all such rescue attempts immediately, so that the alcoholic will fully experience the harmful effects of his or her drinking--and thereby become more motivated to stop.

Time your intervention. Plan to talk with the drinker shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--for example, a serious family argument in which drinking played a part or an alcohol-related accident. Also choose a time when he or she is sober, when both of you are in a calm frame of mind, and when you can speak privately.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are concerned about his or her drinking and want to be supportive in getting help. Back up your concern with examples of the ways in which his or her drinking has caused problems for both of you, including the most recent incident.

State the consequences. Tell the family member that until he or she gets help, you will carry out consequences--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from the harmful effects of the drinking. These may range from refusing to go with the person to any alcohol-related social activities to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Be ready to help. Gather information in advance about local treatment options. If the person is willing to seek help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment program counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or AA meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her, using the steps described above. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any caring, nonjudgmental friend may be able to make a difference. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to persuade an alcoholic person to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a professional therapist, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. While this approach may be effective, it should only be attempted under the guidance of a therapist who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. Whether or not the alcoholic family member seeks help, you may benefit from the encouragement and support of other people in your situation. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, for children of alcoholics.

I hope that I have helped you with my answer. I wish you the very best and hope that you resolve your present situation. Unfortunately there is no good fairy that will tap your mother-in-law on the shoulder and make her “all better”. It will take a lot of hard work for all of you and her too. But until she gets tired of being sick and tired there is not too much you can do except learn all that you can by going to Alanon and seriously consider the list of information above. Hate the disease not the patient. Don't let your husband be afraid to hurt her feelings by letting her know the TRUTH about how you and the family feel about her drinking. BUT when he does, “let him say what he means…mean what he says…but not be mean when he says it”!

If there is anything further that I can do for you please do not hesitate to contact me again through Allexperts. Thank you Rebos