Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 4/1/2007

Question
My AH has been sober going on 6 months during this period of time he
attends AA meeting, Mass two and three times a week yet continues to be
the same person he was when he was drinking. The only difference is he
is not passed out. We argue more then ever and I have moved up-stairs.
He says that because I don't do the things he wants me to do like attend
Al-Anon meeting that I am not doing anything to support his recovery.
He also continues to tell me that I have issues and need help. I feel as
if he wants me to take the blame for his drinking and why our marriage
is not working. He is a very intelligent man and sometimes I think he
does thing just to upset me or make me feel bad. I have a good support
network with my family and friends, don't believe in AA, but do want him
to get well. I have done allot the past few weeks to also work on my
short comings and am happy for the most part about who I am and what I
want out of life...I just don't understand why he will not take the time
to see my point of view and everything still revolves around him and
his feelings? I don't want to divorce him and still want to support his
efforts to remain sober but why is does he hate me so much. I did not
cause the situation...maybe as an enabler added to his drinking but I am
done and have been done with that part for a while.
Please help me understand what is going on with my AH and where do I
fit into his new life?
LM


Answer
Greetings to you, Lynn.

First, and in an overall sense, it is important to know and understand that mere abstinence or “being sober”, as you have mentioned, is not a *complete* treatment for alcoholism.  From the original “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book:

“We feel that elimination of our drinking is but a beginning.  A much more important demonstration of our [spiritual] principles lies before us in our respective homes, occupations and affairs.” (page 19)

Alcoholism is a two-fold illness, and abstinence eliminates the possibility of the out-of-control drinking that kicks in *after* an alcoholic gets started once again, but abstinence does *not* in any way treat the alcoholic’s fundamental problem:

“... any life run on self-will can hardly be a success.  On that basis we are almost always in collision with something or somebody ...
“... Admitting he may be somewhat at fault, [the alcoholic] is sure other people are more to blame.  He becomes angry, indignant, self-pitying.  What is his basic trouble?  Is he not really a self-seeker even when trying to be kind?  Is he not a victim of the delusion that he can wrest satisfaction and happiness out of this world if he only manages well?  Is it not evident to all the rest of the players that these are the things he wants?  And do not his actions make each of them wish to retaliate, snatching all they can get out of the show?  Is he not, even in his best moments, a producer of confusion rather than harmony?
“Our actor is self-centered - ego-centric, as people like to call it nowadays ...
“Selfishness - self-centeredness!  That, we think, is the root of our troubles.  Driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self-seeking, and self-pity, we step on the toes of our fellows and they retaliate ...
“So our troubles, we think, are basically of our own making.  They arise out of ourselves, and the alcoholic is an extreme example of self-will run riot, though he usually doesn't think so.” (pages 60-63)

Would your husband think he is “an extreme example of self-will run riot”?  No, of course not, and there is your proof!

You have written:

>> ... he attends AA meeting, Mass two and three times a week yet continues to be the same person he was when he was drinking.

You bet, and that is because he has fallen victim to the foolish and deceptive idea that being sober actually proves something about him and maybe even makes him a better person.  Knowing little or nothing about true reconciliation and transformation, sectarian religion and today’s AA both tend to perpetrate and support that kind of self-righteous philosophy.

>> He says that because I don't do the things he wants me to do like attend Al-Anon meeting that I am not doing anything to support his recovery ...  I feel as if he wants me to take the blame for his drinking and why our marriage is not working.

Today’s AA tries to make an alcoholic’s selfishness and self-centeredness sound like it is actually a good and necessary thing – they call it “Looking out for ‘number one’” while living in a so-called “selfish program” – thereafter pressuring others to cater to and even pamper him or her.

>> He also continues to tell me that I have issues and need help.

That certainly could be true, but it is not his place to say so:

“He may tell mother [his wife], who has been religious all her life, that she doesn't know what it's all about, and that she had better get his brand of spirituality while there is yet time.
“When father takes this tack, the family may react unfavorably.” (page 128)

>> ... sometimes I think he does thing just to upset me or make me feel bad.

That is very possible.

>> I just don't understand why he will not take the time to see my point of view and everything still revolves around him and his feelings?

As far as your husband is concerned, and even if only subconsciously, he is still at the center of the universe, or at least believes he should be – in the mind of an alcoholic, he alone can/should change every light bulb while the rest of the world turns around him.

>> I don't want to divorce him and still want to support his efforts to remain sober but why is does he hate me so much.

That question might be much bigger than how you are asking it, but it takes true spiritual reconciliation and transformation before an alcoholic is even capable of displaying righteous love.

>> Please help me understand what is going on with my AH and where do I fit into his new life?

At the moment, nobody really “fits” into it unless they believe and act as he does, and that is not likely to change until somebody who has already recovered from his same untreated alcoholism can help him truly get into taking (rather than self-servingly “working”) the original Twelve Steps.

I share these things with you because you are asking, but please do not go dump all of this on your husband.  For now, about the best you can do is to bear up as best you can, stick close to your reliable others and see what happens after your husband ends up drinking once again.  And in the meantime, and if you like, tell me about your issues with AA.  More than likely, I can help you see that the *original* A.A. is something you have never even heard about, and if so, maybe you will soon be inspired to study and learn a little more in hopes of some day letting your husband know there truly is a way for him to permanently recover from chronic alcoholism.

Peace to you, Lynn, and please know you are welcomed to write again.

Joseph Lee O.