About Kaye Mitchell, BLS, LCDC Expertise I can answer questions relating to alcohol dependency and abuse. This includes how to know if there is a problem, where to get help and what happens to the body and to the family of the alcoholic. I can help with "enabling" behaviors and questions regarding 12-step programs.
Experience I am a licensed counselor for alcohol and substance abuse and I have a Bachelor of Liberal Studies in Psychology degree. I have taught alcohol awareness classes. I have related experience in grief and loss therapy and anger management. I have personal and family experience in dealing with alcoholism.
Education/Credentials Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor
Awards and Honors Graduated with honors Univ. of Houston, Chemical Dependency Class
Question Hello Kaye
I am from Indianapolis, 43 years old, wife of suspected problem with Alcohol. We have been together for 3 years. Of the 3 years he has been drinking on a regular basis. Beer mostly because he says he likes the taste. I have noticed throughout the 3 years, some little tricks, I think. He will make any excuse to get beer. The other day for example, I said out loud that I was out of cigarretes but I did not need them and I could wait. The next thing I know, a pack of cigs are on the counter and a 12 pack in the fridge but he did not mention it and I did not see him put the beer up. At night when I go to bed and get up for whatever reasons, he tries to hide the beer can when watching tv or sneeks them into the computer room. There are a few more but I will leave it at that. How does a wife help her husband? I know he will only stop if and when he wants. Also does the behavior mentioned above seem like there may be a problem. It is hard to gauge.
Thank-you in advance
Answer Hi Jennifer,
Your husband knows he has a problem with alcohol. People who do not have a problem do not feel a need to hide their use. Look at it this way--who is going to pretend to not eat the donut, the person having the problem with obesity or the skinny person?
There are two categories of alcoholics--those who are abusers and those who are dependent. The abusers are the ones who go on binges and the dependents (I was one) are those who do "maintenance" drinking. We drink every day and often dont show the effects of our large consumption to those around us. In other words, we drink a lot--an awful lot, but we are able to "hold our drink." Tolerance to alcohol is a primary sign of alcoholism.
A beer has just as much alcohol as a shot of whisky or a 5 oz glass of wine. So if he drinks a 6 pack he has drank the same amount of alcohol as 6 shots of whisky or 6 glasses of wine. Sounds pretty excessive when you put it that way, doesn't it?
Here's what you can do. You can find a time when he has not been drinking--maybe brunch on Sat or Sunday and tell him that you are concerned about the amount of alcohol he consumes and you would like to talk about it. Ask him to not brush you off because you are serious about needing the discussion. How he responds will tell you a lot. Ask him not to drink at brunch while you talk.
If he says he does not need to drink that much and only does it because he "likes" it then say you would like him to only drink a 6 pack over the entire weekend. See if he can do it. My guess is that he cannot, and maybe that will shine some light on the difficulty he has with alcohol, especially if you see that he has to go on errands to drink more.
Often we tell someone in denial to go to a bar and order one drink and go home. Just to let them know the extent of their need to continue drinking.
If he is willing to admit to having a problem then he should see a chemical dependency counselor or a LPC or Psychologist with some training in alcohol or drug addiction.
I got clean through AA. It can be done that way if the person is committed to being sober. My guess is that he will find ways to hide it further from you like going to the drug store for film and stopping to gulp down a few beers.
A person who shows signs such as your husband usually are also undependable about time. They will be late much of the time, if not always, and frequently will call and say they are running late (this buys them some more time to drink).
Jennifer, I think you have your answer. My advice to you is to join Alanon. I mean it--you need it more than you think right now. At Alanon you will find the answers to all your questions and future problems that will surely surface. Trust me on this one.
Also, I recommend that you go to a good bookstore or the public library and look for books in the self-help section that have to do with co-dependency or "enabling." This will tell you how to establish boundaries and avoid being manipulated into being an accessory to the problem. For instance, you will learn that it is never good to help him avoid consequences for his drinking. You do not call the boss and say he is sick and you do not fetch an aspirin for the hangover.
Please do these two things for yourself (Alanon and the books). It will make all the difference in the world to the outcome of your problem. At this point the problem is actually yours and not his--at least not until he recognizes that he has a problem. Truth is that he has recoginzed it or he would not be hiding. He is just not willing to change yet.
Please write me any time. I am hear to help and I believe you will have more questions.
