Expert: Clyde - 11/10/2007

Question
Hi Clyde: My boyfriend of 6.5 years has been sober for 4 years now.  His family and I did an intervention with him and he went through an outpatient rehab program and then has been attending AA meetings pretty regularly since then.  We have had a long distance relationship for the entire time we've known each other, but I travel to his home frequently for a week at a time.  We are very committed to each other and he is one of the most trustworthy people I know.  I am 47, divorced twice; he is 40 and never married.  We have talked frequently over the years about someday getting married, but he is fearful of commitment and as of now, I only have a promise ring from him.

Just recently, he decided he needed some help and started seeing an addiction psychologist to help him bring balance into his life.  He works all the time and is always tired (he claims that working alot keeps him busy and helps avoid his previous addiction).  No social life unless I'm in town with him (and we are pretty much homebodies--going out to eat and such is our recreation).  He told me last night that he needs to “heal” now and does not have time for a relationship – he said there is too much going on in his life (but all he does is work and go to the therapist now and a group meeting).  He has not met someone else and I believe him, but what I don't understand is his time issue for a relationship when the only time we really spend with each other is about 15 minutes per day on the phone since we are separated by 1000 miles most of the time.  Also as of last night, he does not want me to come visit him for Thanksgiving and said he will spend it alone, that he needs “time” and maybe he and I could work something out for the remaining holidays this year (I already have airline tickets to his home for Thanksgiving and Christmas).  We have not been arguing and haven’t had any bad spells in our relationship, so I am confused.

Could you please help me understand what he is going through right now and maybe what he is trying to accomplish?  Is this another stage of his recovery and if so, how can I preserve our relationship and support him at the same time as he goes through this period of recovery?

Thank you.

Answer
Karen,
   Thank you for your question and the explanation of the relationship history.

     Recovery is a marvelous thing and it takes different people different places.  Since your boyfriend has a rather lengthy sobriety of 4 years and attends meetings regularly I would surmise that he is working a very serious program, and that is wonderful for him.  Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as if his recovery includes you right now and I know how that must hurt.  You've had a very lengthy relationship and you've done some very hard work making that long-distance situation work out.  I know that you want to be married again and that the conversations have always ended up at the "promise" of marriage.

      It would be my guess (and only a guess) that some very significant things are happening in his heart and in his soul.  No one ever truly knows the soul of another and no one ever knows the true hurts and disappointments that reside there to one day be brought back into active consciousness to be resolved.  He is in a place right now where that soul work is probably about to be done.  It can be a very frightening place and can present lots of confusion for the person going through it.  John of the Cross, one of the greatest mystics who ever lived and wrote, left us a detailed explanation of what he calls the "dark night of the soul."  It is titled, "The Dark Night."  It would be dynamic reading for you if you would so desire.

      The fact that he is 4 years sober; is apparently very anxiously avoiding something he knows he needs to do (working has become the new addiction); now chooses to work with a therapist together with his saying he needs to "heal" [I hope he has emphasized this word for you and that is the reason for your quotes]; and that he stresses he needs some time alone leads me to suspect this passage into the dark night is what is about to take place.  I pray that he succeeds at this and allows the Holy Spirit all the time necessary to make it happen.

      I marvel at the power of healing.  Imagine the health of an individual who have dealt with the demons and come out the other side a free man!  No one can say what manner of soul work he might accomplish.

      I would suggest this: If he is approachable about all this (and he may not be able to articulate it, so don't push), ask him if he can share any deeper about his need for the time and space.  If so, maybe ask if he can suggest some readings for you during this time that a therapist has suggested.  Let him know whether you are willing to wait for him.  It is crucial that you do some soul-searching on this because you must be strong in your conviction when you say that you trust him and that you want to be supportive and that you want to wait.

       Here is the toughest thing to let you know.  No one knows what the outcome will be and you need to prepare yourself for the possibility that he can not commit because of some change that will come over him in this work he is about to do. Who knows what he has to uncover and work with?  I can give you one serious example of a time when the outcome resulted in a broken relationship - it was with Thomas Merton, one of the greatest Catholic monks who ever lived and wrote in the 20th century.  You might want to read his autobiography entitled "The Seven Storey Mountain."  In there you will read that he gave up a relationship to enter the monastery.  It was a very trying time for him in his dark night as well.  I only mention that to allow you to think seriously about the fact that you have no control over his working this out.  If you are a praying person, lift him up in prayer that God heals him and be thankful you were (and might continue to be) a part of his healing (you did the first thing he needed 4 years ago - you intervened)

      I suggest praying about where God may want you to be for Thanksgiving and plan on using those tickets to get there.  I know that is easier said than done and that it will hurt knowing you can't, and he doesn't want you there with him.

      Thanks again for your sharing this story and I will hold both you and he in my prayers as well.  Keep in touch and write again if you have additional questions.

Grace and Peace,
Clyde