Expert: Rebos - 9/25/2006

Question
I just wanted to say thank you. I was browsing the Internet and feeling sad after leaving my husband a month ago. He is an alcohlolic. We had 12 wonderful years together. Then four of drinking. The last year being hell. I have such a hard time understanding why he will not get help. He blames this all on me. I have offered to stand beside him should he decide to get help as well as his family has. He will admit he has a drinking problem but chooses to do nothing. He drinks every night, wanders through the house, pees his pants and yet he will not take that step. His father died and alcohlic at the age of 38. HIs uncle 44. I chose to take myself and daughter out of that environment but sometimes I question myself., He plays on my emotions very heavily. I know we are better off and things will get easier with time. It is just hard. Reading your response to Lisa tonight was what I needed to read and be reminded of. Thank you.

Answer
Good morning Lori:

Thank you for your message of thanks, and your kind words… it is the first time that I received a “hit” from someone who did not send me a question directly. Under the circumstances that you briefly described you absolutely did the right thing by leaving a bad situation for you and your daughter.

I believe that it quite normal for you to feel the way that you do. You are going thru a grieving period that will have to run it’s course…don’t let anybody rush you thru it, and it is recommended that you don’t get involved seriously with anyone else for at least one year after your divorce. You may think that you are ready for another relationship earlier than that, but don’t be fooled by
your emotions. You may also consider going to Al-Anon. It is not only for people who are still living with an alcoholic, but is “tailor-made” for some one in your situation.

Since I never know the background of a person who asks me a question I normally don’t make any mention of a Higher Power unless the questioner brings it up in their question. However I am going to take a chance that you will not be offended by what I am going to write. I think that to may get something out of it…. Emotional pain experienced from any loss of importance is usually manifested by an emotional response. Emotions being what they are cloud our ability to think rationally, and cause us to see our situation in a distorted way. When we can accept that our emotions are in control and that they are causing the pain, it can unlock the mystery of what is happening to us, and what we can do to alleviate the suffering. We can’t allow our emotions to control the situation beyond what is normal, nor should we allow our present pain to become a permanent part of our lives, for example remorse, shame, anger or guilt. When we turn away from God, because we blame Him for our pain “we turn our backs on the answer to relieving our pain”. Our pain is often a symptom of something else that is wrong with us, and “that something else" is usually based upon our lack of spirituality and faith. The level of our emotional pain can be directly related to our materialism. The more materialistic that we are, the deeper our pain will be. The more spiritual we are, the less our pain is. It is important for us to examine our pain with a trusted friend or family member. It should not and cannot be done alone very easily. Our emotions are in charge. It is natural for us to want to retreat into ourselves, but we must allow those we care about to help us through it. When you allow others to help it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of our strength. Pain is an opportunity for personal growth and development. It can be a time of taking personal inventory to make changes in our lives for the good, or to see how we can redirect our energy to spiritual living. We must use this time for serious examination of our relationship with God. The stronger our faith in God the more we can trust that our pain is for the greater good, and that our understanding of the greater good is presently beyond our comprehension. Having faith in God allows us to accept our pain for what it can do for us in a positive way. It should not be wasted on self-recrimination and self-centeredness. Yes… emotional pain can be a very lonely experience.

Once again, thank you for your message, and if there is anything on the subject of alcoholism, please feel free to contact me again.
Thank you, Rebos