Expert: Rebos - 11/18/2007

Question
Good Evening

I go not have a question per se but am seeking validation.  

My 32 year old friend of 12 years is an alcoholic.  She is on her third relationship, all three which have had some type of substance abuse.  She has 2 children, one that now resides with the first husband and a second from the second husband which currently resides with her.

As friends, we mainly socialize  3 - 4 times a year for family type gatherings which always include alcohol.  
Recently at a dinner is the day I learned how bad her situation was by her choices made for alcohol put ahead of that of the safety of her children.

Since this date 3 months ago, we have not had any social functions that had brought us together.

One month ago, this friend came to my home upset, in trouble with police for assault on her boyfriend (this apparently was not the first but fifth time).  I "allowed" her to move with me mainly for the sake of her son but also to support her while she was trying to stay sober and while she was seeking employment.  Boundaries were set and I spoke my peace on the previous occasion to which she agreed how out of control her life had become.  I constantly reminded myself it was her stuff not mine but things drastically changed.

Due to a court order she was not allowed to see her boyfriend.  He however, also a substance abuser in denial of her problem and that of his own, would not leave her alone = stalking her.  It seemed to me that her addiction changed from that of alcohol to this warped sense of love.  He would feed off of the rejection and in turn she was craving his attention, even though it was desperate and negatively charged. Hope that makes sense.

This is when in hind sight I can see the lies.  She would only give me half of the story as I was unaware that she had been contacting him. His phone calls went from a few to fifty, which led me to believe further that his behavior was escalating due to notes, letters, gifts, etc.  I called police and despite warnings, an arrest and court order, he continued to the point he came onto my property to see her.  Again police were called and he was arrested, waiting now for court.

I told my friend that I felt as long as she was in my home, my daughter and I were at risk and needed her to seek another residence in the near future.  

I had gone for the weekend and when I returned, she had moved out leaving me a nasty letter claiming his love was not a crime and I had forced her into police action etc. and was now going to court to support him so they can get back together having his charge and her charge dismissed.  

I felt devistated, betrayed and fully taken advantage of.

Gees, just writing it sounds off the wall.

So I guess I want to know if her addiction can cause her to act this way even though she is claiming sobriety of less than one month (but does smoke pot) and if she is using me as her excuse to go back to an addicted relationship. I am trying not to take this personally but my heart hurts and I am trying to understand this addiction.  

Thanks for your time,

Answer
Good afternoon W and thank you for your question.

First let me say that your friend is NOT sober! All that she has done is change her drinking to “smoking her booze”! She is substituting her drinking with smoking pot therefore she is not sober! She is an addict and addicts lie to everyone (including themselves) to protect their right to drink, or take any other kind of substitute for drinking including; cough medicine, vanilla extract, taking prescribed medication NOT as prescribed, and Nyquill etc.

I know that it was not part of your question, but I believe that you were wrong to let her live in your house especially since you have a daughter living with you. By you allowing her to live with you (not withstanding that she had her son with her), had become an enabler. If you don’t know what an enabler is… An enabler is a person that perpetuates an alcoholics drinking by not holding them responsible for their irresponsible behavior! You became a part of the problem rather than part of the solution. You graduated from being just a plain old enabler to being her “VICTIM” and her “HOSTAGE”. You did act the part of an enabler by not holding her responsible for her irresponsible actions by getting herself (and her son) into the situations (and continues to do so) that she gets in. She has no one to blame but herself! By the way you are lucky that she didn’t empty your house out while you were gone for the weekend. You got off cheap by her just leaving a letter of “I’ll show you”. Now that she is gone get on with your life and use the time to put all of that negative energy you wasted on her and direct it into loving your daughter. Keep her away from the bad influence that your ex-friend had upon her. But for the grace of God there go you! You can pity her but mind your own business.

You are absolutely correct in believing that she is using your making her move as an excuse to continue her relationship that guy. I hope that you realize that she would have gone back to him sooner or later in any case. I hope that I didn’t hurt your feelings as I may have in answering your question. You seem like a good person that just tried to help a friend, BUT addicts are not capable of having friends, and you don’t need the trouble that she will bring into your lives. If I can be of further help please write me again. Thank you Rebos