Expert: Rebos - 10/15/2007

Question
Me and my boyfriend have been going out for a while, we have finally decided to move our relationship to the next step (thinking about marriage). However, I know in the past he has had a huge issue with drinking (and alcoholism runs in his family, in a big way). He has been way better than what he was in the past, however he still has days where he over drinks. It makes me worry about him (I don't know what he is doing, he might be driving, he might put himself in the wrong place, etc...). When he relapses it really makes me worried. He has never gotten professional help for his problem, rather tried to recognize and help himself. I don't know what to do. He is not willing to get prof. help cause he thinks he can help himself, yet he sometimes goes and drinks more than he needs to. I don't know what to do. Should I be concerned for the rest of our relationship? What do I need to say to him? Is there anything i can do to help? Will he ever control his drinking?

Answer
Good morning Suki and thank you for your question.

If your boyfriend doesn’t get help for his drinking problem and you end up marrying him you are setting your self up for a lifetime of misery and unhappiness. If you intend to have children with him they will be affected by their father’s alcoholism in so many ways that you can’t imagine. In almost 38 years of dealing with alcoholics and alcoholism I have NEVER seen a man or woman (if they are alcoholic) stop drinking on their willpower alone. Nor have I ever seen an alcoholic “control their drinking” for the long haul. You have to realize that once a person has to think about controlling their drinking…“they have already lost control”. If on the other hand your boyfriend gets help by attending Alcoholics Anonymous AND stays sober in the program for at least ONE YEAR then you could marry him if you still love him at that time. When I say stay sober in AA for a year; that means going to a meeting every day, and getting active in AA’s program of recovery. There is no cure for alcoholism only recovery . Your boyfriend will be in recovery for the rest of his life... (one day at a time).

If your boyfriend is an alcoholic he HAS TO DRINK! He has no choice in the matter! Of course he will lie to you and tell you that he can beat it on his own, but in reality he will be lying to himself. Alcoholism is a disease of denial. It tells your boyfriend that he is OK if “THEY” would just leave him alone. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of you making the right decision for yourself and any of your future children.

Because alcoholism is a progressive disease it only gets worse it never gets better on its own. Alcoholics are users! They are too self-centered to think about any thing other than their next drink. They don’t really have family, lovers, wives, husbands, children or friends they have “victims” and they take “hostages” as long as they can get away with it. In the long run enabling your boyfriend will not only destroy him, but also take you with him.

Emotions being what they are will tend to cloud your ability to think rationally, and cause you to see your situation in a distorted way. The level of your emotional pain will be directly related with your need to run the show and control the situation. The more you try to control a situation the deeper your pain will be. It cannot be done alone when your emotions are in charge. When you allow others to help you it is not a sign of weakness it is a sign of your strength. There is no reason for you to feel that you have failed at something you have no control over. In the meantime (during the year that your boyfriend is in AA and actively doing something to get his life back in order) I suggest that you start to attend Alanon meetings. I assume that you know what Al-Anon is. Alcoholism is a disease that affects everyone (negatively) that comes into contact with an alcoholic. You can either start YOUR recovery process now – or keep the illness going. Your best defense against the emotional impact of your boyfriend’s drinking is to gain knowledge and the emotional maturity to put that knowledge into effect. Al-Anon can be reached by calling 1-800-344-2666 (United States) or 1-800-443-4525 (Canada). If you decide to not go to Al-Anon the least that you can do is to stop trying to control something that you can’t control.

What ever you do NEVER make any threat to him that you are not willing to follow through with, because then you will become an enabler! An enabler is a person who allows an alcoholic to continue drinking, primarily by their acceptance of their actions and not holding them accountable for their unacceptable behavior. Many enablers are impelled by their own anxiety and guilt to rescue the alcoholic from their predicament. An enabler may be meeting a need of their own rather that the need of the alcoholic. If an enabler has no special knowledge about alcoholism and they try to help, the alcoholic can sense the weakness of the enabler and they continue on drinking because they know that they will be forgiven and rescued again and again. In a backhanded way an enabler is giving the alcoholic “permission” to drink by their continued acceptance of the alcoholic’s unacceptable behavior.

Alcoholism is just a symptom of a deeper underlying problem that you boyfriend must resolve within himself or he will not stop drinking. AA is the place where he will find the answer to his drinking. Stopping drinking is not a matter of willpower. There is an old saying; “that once you turn a cucumber into a pickle you can never change it back to a cucumber again”. For the alcoholic there is no such thing as cutting down… drinking only on weekends… changing what they drink… or even switching to “near beer” made with a content of only 0.05% alcohol. For an alcoholic nothing will work that is short of total and complete abstinence from any thing that contains alcohol or other mind-altering substances (drugs). Of course the exception is a medical doctor’s prescription as long as the doctor fully "understands" that he or she is dealing with an addicted person.

You may think that I have been a bit tough on you with my answer, but alcoholism is a very serious matter and I’ve only told you the truth about what you will face (or a lot worse) if you marry your boyfriend and does nothing for his drinking problem. I would be pleased to respond to any follow-up questions that you may have. Thank you, Rebos.