Addiction to Alcohol/achoholic boyfriend

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Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 7/7/2007


Question
My boyfriend and I have been through hell the last year.  The last episode he revealed he was addicted to painkillers and had used my credit card, put 3000 dollars on it and pawned my wedding rings.  I kicked him out.  He ended up in a 30 day treatment program and is just finishing up.  I have told him he can not return home until he proves he can be responsible and lead a clean and sober life.  He agrees.  My question is I had called my credit card company and said there are unauthorized charges and now he is worried he will go to jail.  Even though I know it is not my fault or responsibility I want him to be able to make it.  Is there advice I can give him (call the credit card company?)  Or is there any advice you can give me?

Answer
Greetings to you, Michelle.

In my own experience-based opinion, you were thinking clearly here:

>> I kicked him out.

As a man – no more “boy”friends, okay?! – it is his overall responsibility to prepare/provide a place for his wife, and to not play house at your place until some future day when he might actually do so.

>> I have told him he can not [have me as a wife] until he proves he can be responsible and lead a clean and sober life.

A two-year period of proof would be reasonable, as that is only about 4% of the remainder of your potential for a life together.

>> I had called my credit card company and said there are unauthorized charges ...

If he has *ever* used that card in the past, you will likely be told his charges are yours to pay ... but either way, his payment of them must be another no-compromise condition related to any future the two of you might have together.

>> ... he is worried he will go to jail ... I want him to be able to make it.
>> Is there advice I can give him (call the credit card company?)

Going to jail or not going to jail is not going to be a deciding factor in the effectiveness of his “treatment”, making amends is his responsibility and it is up to him to seek out the help and advice he needs.  And if he cannot find that help since so very little of it is actually available these days, you might suggest he find a way to get in touch with me.

>> Or is there any advice you can give me?

Do not expect any long-lasting effect from the treatment program he is now “finishing”, and consider allowing me to help you understand his deal and to be prepared with some things you can say to him when he is again “back at it” and blaming you.

Please know you are welcomed to write as often and as much as you like,

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com

Addiction to Alcohol

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Joseph Lee O.

Expertise

Greetings to you! Amidst the insufficiency of all the philosophical, religious and “self-help” approaches to relief from chronic alcoholism, I have personally experienced the content of “Alcoholics Anonymous”, the book. Thus, I can now explain at least the essence of the physical, mental and emotional aspects of an alcoholic's inherent condition and plight, and I can show why a spiritual solution is required and how it works and how to attain one.

Experience

The oldest of four boys, I grew up in a religious, Midwestern-USA family. Unable to decline a friendly offer in a social setting, I had "no effective mental defense against the first drink" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 43), and took my very first drink ever at age 24 ... and within minutes I had become obsessed with getting more of the effect that glass of homemade wine had given me. Alcohol had just done something *for* me that nothing else had ever done; it had seemingly "fixed" something inside me I had not even known was broken. Over the next seven years of my life, I "drank up" just about everything and everyone ever meaning much to me at all, and I eventually abandoned my young family so I could drink and smoke pot at will. For, you see, alcohol was giving me a good-to-go feeling about life and a sense of control I had never before had, and at least in the early days of my drinking it could kill just about any pain that came along. At age 31, however, circumstances and consequences had piled up all around me in ways that were making it obvious I could not continue on much longer. Life had become too tough, my pains had grown too great and the dangers of continuing to drink had become too undeniable for me to be able to continue believing I might ultimately survive an inescapable drop to the bottom of the pit. I still wanted to be able to drink safely as in days past, but something had seemingly "taken over" my drinking and was dragging me completely out-of-control after just one drink. So, and even while completely overwhelmed by the thought of facing life alcohol-free, I decided to stop drinking altogether ... and I quickly discovered I could not. No matter what I said, thought or did even just "one day at a time", I always ended up drinking once again. Where I wanted to drink safely, I could not, and neither could I remain abstinent for very long at all ... and such is the physical "allergy" (where one drink takes another) coupled with alcoholism’s mental-emotional obsession for the effect of alcohol ... ... but then I met a small group of people who personally understood my deadly dilemma - my complete personal powerlessness - and those same folks were quite able to propose a permanent solution. I accepted, of course, and today it is as if I "could not drink even if [I] would" ("Alcoholics Anonymous", the book, page 57), and for that I now remain unendingly grateful.

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