Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 3/25/2005

Question
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Followup To

HELLO AGAIN I THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND ALL OF YOUR ADVICE ALL THAT YOU SAY HAS BEEN SO TRUE I LEFT ME RESPONSES IN CAPS FOR YOU TO DISTINGUISH..

Question -
Hello nice to meet you my name is elle, my question is not for me though its my husband. well i am 23 he is 21 and comes from a family of drinkers. we have been married 7 months and i am 7 month preg (honeymoon baby) i have known matt since i was 17 he always enjoyed the drink and he is in the military just got back from iraq. sitting down i noticed a pattern everytime he is home on leave i cant remeber a day where he didnt drink and i am worried about this becomign a problem. his family of course doesnt see it as one and he always makes it seem like its not. yet when he does drink he becomes a totally different person more aggressive no he has never hit me at all he i think is just one of those where when he starts he does not know when to stop i just dont know i have tried to talk to him an he claims he does not drink much yet i know for sure thats not the case see if i talk to him seriously he thinks i want to take away all of his fun which is clearly not the case i dont think drinking is bad as long as u dont feel the need to do it all the time not to mention his friends and a very bad influence! they sell drugs and drink all the time im so lost as if the only choice i have is to deal with it. i dont want this to ruin our marriage i fear maybe my fault too i knew he liked drinking before he got married so why did i do it? uggghhhh please help!!!
Answer -
Greetings to you, Elle, and thank you for your openness in writing.  Please allow me to ask some questions and make comments while reading through your letter once again ...

>> ... my question is not for me though its my husband ... 21 and comes from a family of drinkers.

Do any of his family members appear to be troubled or “problem” drinkers?

WELL HIS DAD HAD A PROBLEM HENCE HIS PARENTS DIVORCE 9 YEARS AGO HE IS A REGULAR DRINKER BUT NOT THE KIND THAT HAS EVER SOUGHT HELP

>> sitting down i noticed a pattern everytime he is home on leave i cant remeber a day where he didnt drink and i am worried about this becomign a problem.

To what degree do you believe his military experience might be troubling him?

I DID THINK ABOUT THAT AND ALTHOUGH HE DID SPEND A YEAR IN IRAQ HIS BEHAVIOR WAS THE SAME BEFOREHAND I GUESS I CARED NOT TO NOTICE THEN HIS TIME IN IRAQ WAS VERY TRAUMATIC BEING ASKED ANY QUESTIONS ABOUT IT HE RAISES HIS VOICE AND GETS RATEHR MEAN SO WE AVOID TALKING ABOUT IT BUT HE IS IN GERMANY NOW GOING THROUGH POST WAR COUNSELING

>> when he does drink he becomes a totally different person more aggressive no he has never hit me at all

Whenever anyone drinks alcohol, certain inhibitions are reduced, and in at least some cases, a person's disturbing “internal issues” can appear.  For example, alcohol makes it possible for some people to cry (more than usual) over certain things deep inside them, and for others, some deep-rooted fear or even anger can appear.  My point here is to say that alcohol is not the problem here.  Rather, it can actually “uncover” certain problems that need to be addressed somehow.

>> he i think is just one of those where when he starts he does not know when to stop

If Matt is a real alcoholic, the reason for that is physical.  In certain people, alcohol can actually set off a certain kind of metabolic “chain reaction” where as little as just one or two drinks can easily induce a physical craving for more alcohol.

HE HAS BEEN DRINKING SINCE 13 IM NOT SURE BUT THAT MAY HAVE BEEN AROUND THE TIME OF HIS PARENTS DIVORCE HE REMAINS EQUAL WITH HIS PARENTS THOUGH NOT PUTTING BLAME ON EITHER OR SO IT APPEARS

>> i just dont know i have tried to talk to him an he claims he does not drink much yet i know for sure thats not the case

If Matt is an alcoholic, his understanding of drinking “much” is likely quite different from yours ... but that does not mean you are wrong.  But for as long as he believes he can handle whatever amount he might drink, he will not think it is too much.

I HATE SEEING HIM SO DRUNK HE CAN NEVER REMEBER WHAT GOES ON WHICH YES IT DOES SCARE ME TO THINK THAT WHAT IF HE DOES GET TOO AGRESSIVE SOMEDAY? I REMEBER WHEN HE WAS HOME (MIND U I AM 7 MNTH PREG) HE CAME HOME AND WANTED TO HAVE SEX AND I SAID I WAS TIRED AND HE SAID I DONT CARE ILL RAPE U THEN LAUGHED...THEN GOT UP AN PUKED AND FEEL ASLEEP

>> see if i talk to him seriously he thinks i want to take away all of his fun which is clearly not the case

Even if you might not be able to completely describe it, you, as a woman, are instinctually (naturally) aware of the kind of commitment a man needs to make for the sake of his family, and you are beginning to suspect Matt does not really understand that for himself.  Overall, this is a very tough issue we can talk about, and for now, please allow me to suggest you avoid any kind of nagging.

I DEF DONT WANT TO NAG HE HATES PEOPLE TELLING HIM WHAT HE DOES IS WRONG THATS THE PROBLEM! I WANT TO BE HERE FOR HIM AND NOT TO GIVE UP BUT SOON I WILL HAVE A LITTLE ONE TO THINK OF TOOI DONT WANT HER SEEING HER DADDY COME HOME DRUNK AND ALL THAT JAZZ

>> i dont think drinking is bad as long as u dont feel the need to do it all the time

We can easily agree on that.

>> not to mention his friends and a very bad influence! they sell drugs and drink all the time im so lost as if the only choice i have is to deal with it. i dont want this to ruin our marriage i fear maybe my fault too i knew he liked drinking before he got married so why did i do it? uggghhhh please help!!!

Along with being a 54-year-old recovered alcoholic who has done and seen just about everything, I also drive a cab, and there is hardly a day that goes by that I do not see other young women and mothers in situations just like yours.  Elle, you have some very tough days ahead of you, and for just as long as you are willing to stay in touch here, I will try to help you understand them and get through them.

SMOKING WEED BOTHERS ME TOO BACK IN THE DAY I DID IT ONCE IN A GREAT WHILE BUT NEVER SAW THE BIG DEAL AS HE DOES IS IT JUST ME OR DOES HE NEED A BRAIN FREEZE ALL THE TIME TO FUNCTION LIFE CAN BE SO GREAT WHERE YOU ARE SOUND HEART AND MIND ....RIGHT?

Do you pray?

“Father, bless this young woman and mother-to-be with the sense of the presence of your Spirit, and may she be able to hear and receive the things others of us would share with her.”

THANK YOU, YES I DO PRAY NOT AS MUCH AS I SHOULD BUT MAYBE THATS OUT OF CONFISION ONE OF MY PARENTS IS CATH ONE IS ATHEIST SO IVE ALWAYS BEEN IN THE MIDDLE BUT I DO BELIEVE IN GOD
Blessings to you, Elle, and please continue to write freely.
THANK U I ADMIRE YOUR STRENGTH

Joe

Answer
Greetings again, Elle.

You have written, "IS IT JUST ME OR DOES HE NEED A BRAIN FREEZE ALL THE TIME TO FUNCTION"?

No human being can ever be okay in his or her natural state.  We need right fellowship with The One who created us, and apart from that, one or another kind of "self-medication" (through "brain freeze" or whatever) is necessary in order for us to have enough hope of any kind at all in order to function at all.

Whether or not people realize this, Elle, many of us first get our "hope" philosophically ... as through our personal views of life and approaches to it.  In my own case, it was when I was still a comfortable young child becoming aware of things around me that I began to at least unconsciously believe everything was "fine" and would always remain that way, I assumed.  But even by the time I reached ten, I had begun to feel a bit insecure ... and I spent the next twenty-or-so years of my life trying just about anything and everything I could think of (or suggested to me) so I could again feel "okay".  But in the end, this is what we each must learn:

"Walk in all the way which Yahuah your Elohim has commanded you, so that you live and it be well with you ..." (Deuteronomy 5:33).

You have speculated, "LIFE CAN BE SO GREAT WHERE YOU ARE SOUND HEART AND MIND ....RIGHT?"

Yes, that is ultimately so, but only if we learn to live as designed by The One who created us.

Otherwise, our own "choices" can only lead to ever more pain and heartbreak.

Blessings to you, Elle, and please stay in touch!

Joe