Expert: Joseph Lee O. - 7/17/2007

Question
QUESTION: Hi Lee

I have read your story and hoped you may be able to help me understand what is going on in my husbands head.  I am 31 and he is 36 we have been together 11 years (off and on due to him constantly walking out on me and our children.) we have been married almost a year.  we spent the first 8 months trying to get pregnant and i am now 4 1/2 months.  I asked him to stay off alcholol with me for the 1st 3 months which he tried and almost did.  He certainly cut down and life was complete bliss.  he has always admitted being an alcholic. he drinks daily, works sporadically and binge drinks every few months although this has got more frequent. 6 weeks ago after my first trimester was up he started an arguement so he could go on a binge. he phoned that night from a bar and apologised for all the hateful things he said, then vanished for a few weeks.  he is staying at his mums and my problem is, this time he is not begging me to take him back like he has always done in the past, he has casually mentioned talking things over which i have refused to do.  he doesnt seem that bothered, he acts like he doesnt care anymore and hangs up the phone if i annoy him by saying what he has done is disgraceful.  i am now in al anon and trying tough love, in the hope he gets sober to sort out his marriage.  but he seems to enjoy being in the bar everyday, wont contribute financially and has little time for the kids, im devastated that he is acting as if he doesnt care.  I am trying to be friendly with him at the moment but this attitude is so hurtful, he doesnt seem sorry at all.  i keep waiting for the phonecall, where he says how sorry he is.  I am now wondering is he happier without us.  will he ever realise what he is throwing away, im determined not to take him back while he is actively drinking in  the hope of getting him sober.  i expected him to miss me by now, (he usually does) can he really have just switched off his feelings. does he think because i am pregnant he will be able to just walk back when he wants, i have always let him just walk back anyway after so many apolgies first, so why isnt he trying that now.  he did say twhen drunk that he didnt want to be married, didnt want this child and just wanted to be an alcholic, i put this down to drink talk but now i am wondering is there some truth in what he said.  Does he not care about how much hurt he is inflicting on this family, i dont understand how he can be so cold, i know he is working at the moment so he must be sober and thinking clearly during the day.  can you please help me to figure out what is going on here.  Thanks in advance, Angela


ANSWER: Greetings to you, Angela.

You have written:

>> I have read your story and hoped you may be able to help me understand what is going on in my husbands head ...
>> ... constantly walking out on me and our children ...

There are several possibilities there, but the bottom line is that he is expecting something other than the kind of fulfillment he gets there, and that is likely because of his own selfishness and self-centeredness coupled with his never having been taught the responsibilities of being a husband and father and/or how to actually meet them.

>> I asked him to stay off alcohol with me ... which he tried and almost did.  He certainly cut down ...

That would seem typical of a confused alcoholic grasping at straws in life.

>> He has always admitted being an alcoholic.

Even without first understanding what it actually means to be an alcoholic, he likely "admits" to that while nevertheless trying to prove he can eventually be okay anyway.

>> He drinks daily, works sporadically and binge drinks every few months ...

... like a blind man stumbling along an unknown path.

>> 6 weeks ago after my first trimester was up he started an argument so he could go on a binge.

He did that to try to help justify doing something he at least suspected other people would find unacceptable.

>> He phoned that night from a bar and apologized for all the hateful things he said, then vanished for a few weeks.

He does not mean to do you harm, yet his overall thoughts are primarily only about himself.

>> ... this time he is not begging me to take him back like he has always done in the past ...

Believing others such as yourself are more to blame, he is turning away from what does not seem to "work" for him along the line of personal satisfaction in life.

>> ... he has casually mentioned talking things over which I have refused to do.

He likely does not really want to talk other than to try to ease his own conscience and/or to have you agree he is doing whatever is actually best all around.

>> He doesn't seem that bothered, he acts like he doesn't care anymore and hangs up the phone if I annoy him by saying what he has done is disgraceful.

Again, he likely believes his actions are somehow justified, and he is using a bit of intimidation while only looking for his own idea of "peaceful agreement".

>> I am now in al anon and trying tough love, in the hope he gets sober to sort out his marriage.

There is certainly nothing wrong with hoping he gets straightened out, and there are some things you can do to prepare for that hoped-for day.  However, "tough love" is simply about allowing him to feel his own self-induced pain that might ultimately drive him toward seeking help.

>> ... he seems to enjoy being in the bar everyday, won't contribute financially and has little time for the [children] ...

All of that is related to his skewed idea and approach for finding happiness in life.

>> I'm devastated that he is acting as if he doesn't care.

Yes, it can be very difficult for anyone to accept the fact of having come into an ultimately painful relationship or situation in life.

>> I am trying to be friendly with him at the moment but this attitude is so hurtful, he doesn't seem sorry at all.

At the moment he is going to do whatever he is going to do even if he either knows or at least suspects what he is doing is wrong and/or harmful to others.

>> I keep waiting for the phone call, where he says how sorry he is.

That call is likely yet far down the road.

>> I am now wondering is he happier without us.

Only in his own inebriated mind.

>> Will he ever realize what he is throwing away ...

Only after someone might help him see that even still after coming to a point of brokenness.

>> I'm determined not to take him back while he is actively drinking in the hope of getting him sober.

That is not going to work.

>> I expected him to miss me by now, (he usually does) can he really have just switched off his feelings?

Yes.

>> Does he think because I am pregnant he will be able to just walk back when he wants?

While out doing whatever he wants to do, he is possibly waiting for a time of greater vulnerability on your part so he can continue doing as he does while trying to make himself look good without having to be any different at home.

>> I have always let him just walk back anyway after so many apologies first, so why isn't he trying that now.

Possibly because the just-above seems to sound or feel better this time around.

>> He did say when drunk that he didn't want to be married, didn't want this child and just wanted to be an alcoholic, I put this down to drink talk but now I am wondering is there some truth in what he said.

I would suspect there is truth there in the sense of what he believes might actually or eventually bring him happiness.

>> Does he not care about how much hurt he is inflicting on this family ...

He likely is unaware of his hurting anyone all that much, or, maybe he believes you will somehow be okay anyway.

>> I don't understand how he can be so cold ...

Spiritually-dead people are not warm.

>> I know he is working at the moment so he must be sober and thinking clearly during the day.

That might depend upon what kind of work he actually does, and he might yet abandon even that.

>> Can you please help me to figure out what is going on here?

Somehow you ended up married to an alcoholic, and you now face the challenge of discovering how to live by spiritual principles so you actually can be at peace within yourself even in spite of your difficult, troubling and painful circumstances.  One or more of the folks at Al-Anon at least *should* be able to help you begin to do that, and I am here for you if not.

Joseph Lee O.
leejosepho@hotmail.com

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: thank you so much for taking the time to answer me, it was really very helpful.  I am making progress with al anon and concentrating more on me, i realise i have my own problems with dealing with his alcoholism.  I just wanted to ask what advice you could give me to help speed up him going into recovery, or should i just leave things alone and let him get better when he is ready.  I just feel we are both missing out on so much, i spoke to him today and he said he wanted to sort out his marriage, he seemed sincere.  I feigned shock and asked was he going to go to AA.  He hung up the phone.  He has been in AA twice 6 years ago.  Once at my insistence.  This didnt work as he went to a bar every night instead of a meeting, then again totally of his own accord when he were split up, months later he checked into a treatment centre.  i do love him alot and i believe he loves me too, but yes he is justifying all of this at the moment because i nag him.  I have told him when he is ready to talk about things to phone me.  He replied i will phone tomorrow.  perhaps he will and maybe tomorrow will never come.  When i do sit down and talk to him what sort of things should i say to help aid his recovery, i am trying to be patient although this is a virtue i am seriously lacking in.  I want to do the right thing this time that will hopefully help him.  If he feels that he is not receiving full fillment at home and keeps walking out, is it possible he may feel this way even if he does enter sobriety or are those feelings symptoms of his alcoholism.  When he is sober we are very happy together.  There is still alot of atrraction between us.  I realise this is going to be a very slow process and the sooner it starts the better.  I hope you can help me on how to deal with the situation so i can help him see more clearly, i would agree with you that he seems confused right now.

Thanks
Angela


Answer
Greetings again, Angela.

You have written:

>> I just wanted to ask what advice you could give me to help speed up him going into recovery ...

None.  Only his own self-induced pain will drive him toward ever seeking help, and even then only if he still has the faculties to do so and he actually wants to remain alive.

>> I just feel we are both missing out on so much ...

Certainly.

>> i spoke to him today and he said he wanted to sort out his marriage, he seemed sincere.  I feigned shock ...

Learn to be sincere.

>> i do love him alot and i believe he loves me too ...

Emotionally, yes, but true love is the giving of oneself without expectation.

>> I have told him when he is ready to talk about things ...

On whose terms?

>> When i do sit down and talk to him what sort of things should i say ...

The kinds of things we learn to say after completing Steps One through Eight.

>> i am trying to be patient although this is a virtue i am seriously lacking ...

We all have instinctual desires, and we need to let go of our expectations and our practices of trying to get our own needs met on our own power and/or terms.

>> I want to do the right thing this time that will hopefully help him.

Learn to be the kind of person you would want him to be if your places were reversed.

>> If he feels that he is not receiving fulfillment at home and keeps walking out ...

... that will prove he is still a spiritually-sick individual.

>> ... is it possible he may feel this way even if he does enter sobriety ...

Absolutely, for “entering sobriety” does not resolve the spiritual issue.

>> ... or are those feelings symptoms of his alcoholism.

Yes, and in the same sense as being evidence of spiritual sickness.

>> When he is sober we are very happy together.  There is still alot of attraction between us.

That is believable, but that will never be sustainable apart from spiritual transformation.

>> I realise this is going to be a very slow process and the sooner it starts the better.

“Let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me!”

>> I hope you can help me on how to deal with the situation so i can help him see more clearly ...

With a wink: Learn to show him something that might just cause him to rub his eyes a bit to be sure he actually *is* seeing clearly!

Peace to you,

Joe